Educational


*Smashes tambourine against palms*

Kpash Kpash! Kpash kpash! Kpash Kpash! Kpash Kpash…

*sings*

We have come again, we have come again! Bros we have come again, sistehs we have come again… Oh yes (x2)

Hi guys, to be specific I mean short guys. Don’t let anybody intimidate you. You can do whatever or whoever you like if you put your mind to it. Don’t let anybody tell you you can’t do it. Or have you forgotten the story of David and Goliath? The Bible says:

“There is a way that seemeth right in the eyes of men, but the end thereof is destruction.” (for them)

I see it everywhere:

“Eww, he is so short.”

“I can never date a short guy.”

“Ha! But, why are you so short?”

Ogini?!

 

OGINI? WHAT IS IT?

OGINI? WHAT IS IT?

I have painstakingly taken time out of my tight schedule to teach you how to overcome such obstacles as height and climb the mountain that is before you. You might need to fave this post.

 

  1. Be smart, witty and or sarcastic: If you are physically short, please I beg you in the name of God, do not be mentally abbreviated now, haba! You know you are already at a disadvantage with these fine- tall -ass women and you have to be able to compensate in other areas. You go around claiming that you’re just a baby boy but please don’t be a bastard baby boy. Improve yourself by knowing about every topic there is to know about. Make jokes godammit and for gossake when they say you are short, embrace it. Use it to your advantage. Don’t be a bastard baby boy… As you are small like that, you can be a teddy bear at least. Just check out Kevin Hart…

Kevin baby boy Hart

There is a high possibility that that tall babe that has been rejecting you will happily shag this dude. She will not even essperrerit… The guy will just comic his way into her kunchas. Now if you cannot be funny to save your life, let us try another tactic, shall we?

  2.     Be innovative and deceitful: You are already short yeah, you cannot be funny or smart or witty yeah, so why not try to get a pair of HHP slippers. Just in case you were wondering, HHP stands for “high heeled pam” slippers or you can buy high heeled shoes. Invest in some nice ones bruh…  Do you want them to look down on you forever? By the time the babe finds out you are not who you seem you are, it will already be too late. She would have already fallen in love with your personality and yeah… Once again, they never esperrerited it!

 

Advancements in footwear technology

 

Can you see the magnificent lift in those shoes? Your role model in this department would have to be the late Kim Jong Il.

Swagoo Drippin'

Swagoo Drippin’

 

Just take style zoom my guy shoe abeg. You will never esperrerit it.

3.     Be tall in life: So once in secondary school, I had an argument with Deji Adewole and I called him a short man. His response was:

“Yes I might be short, but I am taller than you in life.”

        I was like:

 

That escalated quickly...

That escalated quickly…

 

Why you have to place a curse on me son? I was only playing with you, you short bastard! You have to be successful… Let your lack of height inspire you to be the best at whatever you do. Trust me, when you have a 9 zero digit account balance, you automatically gain inches. That’s when they will start describing you as small but mighty. Nicolas Sarkozy, Silvio Berlusconi and Dmitry Medvedev are all under 5’6”” tall but our role model in this case, our Holywood superstar… Tom Cruise.

If he can do it, so can you!

If he can do it, so can you!

 

4.      Just be wicked: See, if any of the above styles doesn’t work just bone all of them and be wicked! Make sure you spread chest like cobra and walk with a manly gait. When anybody tries to do anyhow attack them before they attack you. They will say you have SMS (short man syndrome) but don’t mind them. Just do your thing mate. Yes, they have even made it a disease to be short. Imagine the Short man disease is an actual ailment… Let me cull this from a telegraph.co.uk article.

Short man syndrome really does exist, Oxford University academics have found, after a study showed feeling smaller makes people paranoid, distrustful and scared of others.

Scientists used virtual reality technology to reduce the height of volunteers travelling on a computer-simulated Tube train by 10in (25cm).

The experience of being shorter increased reports of negative feelings, such as being incompetent, dislikeable or inferior.

It also heightened levels of mistrust, fear and paranoia. Height-reduced participants were more likely to think someone else in the virtual train carriage was deliberately staring, thinking badly about them, or trying to cause distress.

Researchers believe the findings demonstrate the psychologically detrimental effect of experiencing social situations from a position closer to the ground.

 

Just look at that. No, just negodu!

Now it is a crime to be brief. See, if they say you are sick just slap them and take whatever tall women you want. They will respect you whether they like it or not. When they say you have SMS just tell them it is swag. Role model in this department has to be the Great Napoleon Bonaparte!

 

See the way he 'spread chest'?

See the way he ‘spread chest’?

 

So short niggas, go ye into the world and don’t let their words bring you down. Afterall, you are already down… Don’t allow it! Do not! I also hear you can get your knees done in China…

Just saying.

Larry Sushey

 

 

 

funny-brace-yourselves-Neil-deGrasse-Tyson-hosting-Cosmos

There is no wealth like knowledge, and no poverty like ignorance – Buddha 400/500BC

 

Class is now in session.

Today we are taking a detour from the letter from Soweto collection of cryogenic stories to educate ourselves. It’s been a while I taught a lesson and i miss it. This class will be brief…

Today we talk about what a lot of people in these parts know as the ‘jerry coil.’

Ever wondered where that term came from?

First a bit of history; the correct spelling is actually “Jheri curl” and was very popular among the Black American, Black Canadian and Black British populace in the 1970s and 1980s. Of course, as Nigeria no dey carry last, we caught the bug and so did Jamaica and other black nations world over.

Now, here is what you didn’t know. The Jheri curl was invented by this guy.

Yes, a white guy.

Yes, a white guy.

 

Born as Robert William Redding (a.k.a Jheri Redding) in Rantoul, Illinois in 1907, Redding’s interest in the beauty industry began during the Great Depression, sometime between 1920 and 1945 when he realized that hair stylists and makeup artists had the best paying jobs. Now imagine these folks, there was hunger and a great economic meltdown in the USA and people were paying so much to hairdressers and make up artistes that they were the highest paid individuals in the country. What do you know about priorities? I was chilling in Rome at the time just observing like:

Observing...

Observing…

 

As a young man, he taught chemistry and worked as a hair stylist eventually becoming one of the first men to get a cosmetology license.  When the products he was using did not meet his expectations, he began experimenting with chemicals and mixed them with household items like mayonnaise and vinegar to create his own shampoos. I mean, this guy was the damn Walter White of the hair cosmetic industry! Just imagine this white guy, destroying young black people’s hairs and cashing out on their ignorance. Now prior to this time, permanent waving of hair was performed only on clients with straight hair. Jheri was the first to tap into the market of waving excessively curly hair and every black household in the USA felt the impact.

What is peppering my soul is that this style was not cheap at all. At a time when he black man was largely marginalised economically, niggas was spending cash. To maintain the look of the jheri curl, users were required to apply activator and heavy moisturizers daily and to sleep with a plastic cap on their heads to keep the hairstyle from drying out. What you know about niggas wearing hairnets? What you know about wearing shower cap to bed because you want to do fine boy? These products were expensive (a typical bottle of activator was small, retailed anywhere from $3 to $6, and was quickly depleted.) The activator in particular had the undesirable side effect of being very greasy; this would often stain clothing and anything that came into contact with it. On top of all this ‘sufferness’, this stuff was damaging to the hair. Washing the hair cleansed it of all the chemicals and shii but also exposed the damage done to your scalp. Then to add insult to injury, the user would have to return to the salon for a touch up adding to the already bloated expenses for a good hairdo.

What brand of mumuness is this? How much is it to barb gorimapa?

Two for five Naira...

Two for five Naira…

 

Black celebrities at the time like Michael Jackson, Rick James, Samuel L. Jackson (wig), Eriq Lasalle and even much later Easy-E and Ice cube were highly instrumental to the spread of the fad. Going round looking like wet mops. It was the soul movement of the 70s and 80s…

 

I'm just here franking my face like Samuel L. Jackson

I’m just here franking my face like Samuel L. Jackson

For the record, in all my years of immortal existence, I have never and will never be caught in a jheri curl. It’s not even hard… All it takes to put me off is the idea of going to bed with a plastic bag when they did not swear for me, (Not that if you did it’ll mean anything cos I am immortal and shii and can do whatever the fuck I want)  but NO.

Then you have to watch where you rest your head so as not to soil head rests with oils dripping from your shampoos/moisturisers/conditioners. By the mid 80s, the fad was outta fashion even though the likes of Ice cube and Easy- E, members of the defunct rap group N.W.A wore it well into the mid 90s. Nowadays though, the curl is kinda sorta back for the ladies in the forms of synthetic wigs. However, these aren’t anything like the original jheri curls with oils dripping everywhere like Didier Drogba.

Hian!

Anyway, I rep team Natural. Let me see who will come and perm my gorimapa.

 

...

Class is over.

Larry Sushey.

I am writing this with a lot of directionlessness. I don’t care if that’s not a real word, it’s a big word.

Some of these “facts”are on the internet and i am angry.

Just read.

Mumu.

FACT#1

pic1

#Fatfam. Now you have a reason to grow morbidly obese and die of your own weight. Instead of going to the gym and doing all that hard work, how about you eat a lot more? Eat enough to build 2 feet of fat. See ehn, you will never need a duvet again in your life.

You are a duvet cuh.

Also the next time somebody calls you an ‘orobo’ do the following:

  1. Shout a loud AWWWWWUN.
  2. Bring out a gun (If you’re not too(lz) lazy to carry it) and shoot yourself in the belly.
  3. Point the gun at them and shoot them in the knee cap.
  4. Then look them in the eye as they die slowly and tell them you’re an orobo toh bad.

FACT#2

pic3

I swear Leonardo Da Vinci lacked taste.

12 whole years for those lips that look like genetically modified moin moin leaves! By age 12 I was already smoking Benson & Hedges cuh.

Seriously, I was at the Louvré recently and I saw the Mona Lisa and

Fam, I don’t get it. There is absolutely nothing in that painting. You people on this planet can overhype things. People were “oohing” and “aaahing” and I was WhatTheFuckAmIDoingHer(e)ing. (Another big word, I’m getting good at this shit). They now put some kinda protective glass over the damn thing and… *sigh*

Don’t upset me.

FACT#3

pic4

Yoruba people are above average. Shut up, I am Yoruba. How they come up with these statistics is what bothers me.

80%? 80%??

Hmmn! *bites finger*

To be honest I talk to myself all the time. The other day I was talking to myself then I realized it. Then I had to tell myself to stop talking to myself and asked myself if I was going mad. Have you ever had an argument with yourself before? I asked myself if I was going mad and I replied that I wasn’t. I then asked why I was talking to myself and argued back and forth with myself on whether I was mad or not. When I realized I was arguing with myself it was quite late. So I mediated with myself and decided to stop talking to myself. It’s weird I know but I’m not the only one who does this shit am i?

I am Yoruba. I’d say 85%, more than 85%.

FACT#4
Pic5

LOL! You people should not be angry o. Please who is Miley Cyrus? Who is Daniel Radcliffe? :s

FACT#5

pic7

This one take style funny. Imagine going to the market to buy fish and they ask you what type you wanted. “Slippery dick.” Do they eat it? Fried slippery dick or roasted slippery dick doesn’t sound like something I want to see on a plate. LMAO…

I have a headache guys. Couldn’t they have named this fish something else? I googled that shit and the thing doesn’t even look like a penis. I said it before, the people on this planet are somehow. All of you are mad.
Mumu…

FACT#6

pic8

 

The other night I went to Elegushi beach to fraternize with poor people, prostitutes and familiar spirits. I drank quite heavily that night and I saw a poor girl with the most banging body. (I’m sorry I called her poor) It might as well be that she is a mixture of all three a poor, prostitute familiar spirit but I digress.

1)I wanted her in life cuh.

2)So I started to imagine cuh.

I started to day dream. Myself and her were banging in the clouds cuh. Somebody tapped me and I came back to reality but she was no longer as beautiful as when I went dreaming. I lost interest and started looking for the next pair of boobs to ogle over. You see where I am going with this? The day dream didn’t work!

Wait. Coodibee that it was not a day dream because all of this happened at night? Coodibee??

FACT#7

pic9

Them no cut it well fam. You don’t believe me? Please give me a starfish and Tiger razor blade and I will slice it for you. If any part of that fish grows back I will worship you for the rest of my existence. I am not even joking fam. BaSTARd fish. You dunno deh thing.

FACT#8

pic10

 
What if your father died and you didn’t kill him?

FACT#9

pic6

So this drunk dude walks into the compound and introduces himself as Obama. He goes ahead to talk about how he personally fought in the 2nd world war and how he and Napoleon grew up together in Gronnigen, Netherlands. He was there when Abacha married John Legend in Kano and is a personal friend of Mungo Park.

See uhn, 85% is too small. 100% of what a drunken person says is absolutely true.

Anuofia!!

FACT#10
pic2

“This is why i’m high. This is why i’m high. This is why, this is why, this is why i’m high.”

I have always said it that nobody should be ugly at 2 am on a Friday night. If anyone still is, something is wrong with either the beholder, the beheld or both of them. Imagine if everyone was always high… I’d probably look like that Emirati fool that was… *fumes and bites finger*

Don’t upset me. Anyway, i would probably look like him. I may also mistake Mama Emma’s midget housegirl for Beyonce too but…

So what we get drunk! We don’t give a fuck

Here’s a real fact: I used 3 big words in this post. AWWWWWUN is a big word, don’t bother arguing.

Tosh it!

Larry Sushey.

Good day ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
Happy new year to y’all.

I put posts up here only 12 times in 2012. Imagine that?! No, I need you to really take a little time to ponder over something that is totally none of your business. Out of 366 days I managed to write on only 12 of those. That’s an average of one post per month. Doesn’t sound so bad right?

 

Wrong.

It’s an abysmal performance. Converting to percentage, that’s about 3.3%. Now is there any grade worse than an F? A zee perhaps? Or maybe worse than a zee. Oya dash me…

Infact, let me set nyansh to stool so that you can put whip to purpose.

I SET NYYAAANNNSH, TO THE STOOL... (Adele's voice)

I SET NYYAAANNNSH, TO THE STOOL… (Adele’s voice)

And no Kelvin, I am not a sick perverted gay ass hole who likes to get it while stooling.

Die.

So i came across a debate topic recently. It was about the shape of our heads particularly Igbo and Yoruba tribes of Nigeria. I wonder why the Hausas arent usually involved in these discussions.

L-R IGBO HEAD, YORUBA HEAD

L-R IGBO HEAD, YORUBA HEAD

Anyways, I was wondering. What is the perfect head shape? While there is no such thing as a “perfect head” there is definitely a “norm” for infant heads around the world.

Typically, the average skull is one third longer than it is wide. Anything apart from this and you’re an alien.

Don’t argue, just accept it.

Not like being an alien is bad or anything, I mean majority of us are not normal. Me for example with my egg shaped head…. *bursts into deep tears*
At least I am normal in some distant planet, maybe.
Reminds me of when we were younger and people used to abuse us by the shape of our heads. “pawpaw head”; “yam head”; “coconut head”; “mango head”; “guava head”. Etc.
Please take a minute to ponder about this because it does concern you this time.

Oh now you see uhn?

A human being will settle down and decide to call another human being that God has created Yam Head.

If this isn’t wickedness in high places, I don’t know what is.

See ehn, you have my permission. If anyone has ever called you a yam head, find that fellow and inflict bodily harm on the devil. I am not even joking!

Do you know what a yam tuber is? Do you? Do you? DO YEEEOOOUWWW??

YAM? YAM HEAD? I SHED JERUSALEM TEARS

YAM? YAM HEAD? I SHED JERUSALEM TEARS

*NB* That’s the prettiest yam i could find on the internet.
Mrs. Adeoba, my primary 3A English teacher called me mango head once. Imagine the effrontery!

How I wish I could look her in the eye now and tell her she was wrong and then do the chicken dance in her face for emphasis. I’m an egghead ma. You need to check the dictionary meaning of an egghead in case you didn’t already know. *strokes beard and yimus condescendingly*

DO YOU WANT MY PIN?

DO YOU WANT MY PIN?

I’m right and you’re not! Feli feli.. (in D’banj’s voice)
Now this is an actual mango head. Compare and contrast the contours with the actual mango.
Some mothers do have them…

:(

😦

Then there’s the orange head.

Segun Oshin was my senior by a year in secondary school and I swear to God that guy had the most spherical head I have ever seen.

A typical orange boy.

I am not kidding guys; this guy’s head was like a cookie.

SAY CHEESE MATE! :D

SAY CHEESE MATE! 😀

In case you’re reading this at night, go outside and look at the moon. (Tongue in cheek it’s a full one) Now close your eyes and hold it!
That’s Segun’s head right there! I shit you not.
Okay now, on second thought, it might not even be an insult if somebody ever described you as having a fruit head. Seriously, I wouldn’t argue if anyone called me a pear head if I was the guy below. It’s almost like his head and the pear are identical twins.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH MAYBE?

SEPARATED AT BIRTH MAYBE?

I mean if i were this mister right here, i would even christen myself the pear-headed man for good measure. You’ve gotta identify ya selling point before it gets too late.

Now before i bounce, there’s one more thing. theres a special category that if anyone called you, you have a right to go ape shit mad and kill everybody i your community, before shooting yourself in the head.

No scratch that, your head is bullet proof. Shoot yourself in the privates ater decapitating the mo’fucker who called you that name. This type of head is in a different category of it’s own. I mean, it’s like a pic stitch of all the available fruit types from coconut to water melon….

GERVINHO HEAD

GERVINHO HEAD

Don’t you ever let anyone call you this. In fact it should be a capital crime…

MY GOD. *Inserts tears of the Armageddon*

Whatever that means…

Larry Sushey, Immortal. 🙂

NB* Don’t lie, what is the shape of your own head?

Coo keed

Na play I was with the Jesus joke.

*********************************************************************

The Nigerian Twitter is the best twitter in the whole wide world. Now this is my own opinion and last I checked, I am entitled to have at least one of those aren’t I?

The reasons for my above assertion are right there in your faces. All you have to do is open your eyes to see them stare right back at you. I go on the Nigerian twitter everyday and I can’t feel but be helpless at times. Seriously, I see the gbagauners and the gbagaunees. I see the intellectuals and the downright dumb fucks. Then there are the retards, the bloggers, the stalkers, and then your parents.

Majority of the members of the fore named groups apart from ‘your parents’ have one common goal, to be a part of the coolest bunch on the Nigerian twitterville. Those of you whose parents are here are already cool. Afterall, there are different degrees of ice cold.

No jokes. This is some serious shit. Pay attention as I teach you how to be a Naija twitter ‘coo keed.’ (That’s what they’re called, atink?)

1. Follow Sir_Scribbles. If you have time, do a background check on all your favorite twitter celebs, they all follow Richard. (That’s me famzing.) You se ehn, to be cool you have to have cool on your TL. Sir_Scribbles will always follow back it you have a nice handle. It doesn’t matter who you are, Scribbles no dey dribble. Don’t ever ask for a follow back, cool kids apart from Scribbles won’t follow you back. Do the occasional RT of your seniors tweets and don’t you ever over ‘LOOOL’ their tweets. They will never follow you back. Tweet at them in their mentions. Here is an example.

@Sir_Scribbles: Manchester United will need to sign George Michaels to make Degea stop singing like the damn phantom of the opera!

Now you see the above tweet?

Even though it might make no sense to you and the onlyMichaels you know is Shawn Michaels. Don’t be afraid. First go on your TL and do this:

@NickFish3r: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!

Then go on his TL and do this…

—–> RT @Sir_Scribbles: Manchester United will need to sign George Michaels to make Degea stop singing like a damn phantom of the opera!

This way, you have created an impression that you’re smart/cool. Little by little they will start accepting you.

2. Then your tweets have to have that cool semblance. Tweet a lot about Foreign actors and musicians. You can’t go on there and be talmbaout Tonto Dikeh and that Nkiru babe all the time! You can just go on there and tweet stuff like this:

    @NickFish3r: Phil McDermot’s Tears of a mourning dawn >>>>>>>>>>>>>

You see how cool that looks? Even though you formed the name in your head, don’t be surprised when some random stranger goes:

@RandomStranger: !!! RT @NickFish3r: Phil McDermot’s Tears of a mourning dawn >>>>>>>>>>>>>

You’re beginning to get groupies nigga! Pop CHAMPAGNE!!! God bless you if @RandomStranger is an established twitter coo keed. You have arrived…

Another example is

@NickFish3r: Melanie Crawford in the remake of the 1921 movie, Roses of Crimson was uber awesome!!!

Before you know it, people will begin to follow you and beg for follow back. Just watch…

3. DO NOT ever in your life tweet googled jokes/quotes. You see, google is about the most visited website in the world. I can bet you that there is nothing you want to tweet that someone has not seen or even tweeted before. Tweeting googled jokes or quotes is like committing twittercide. You can never be cool. Personally I will block you and then unfollow your ass if you tweet stuff like these and I see it.

@NickFish3r: Do not take life too seriously, nobody gets out of it alive.

@NickFish3r: Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

There is no coolness in your destiny. I mean if you went on an expedition to the north and south poles you still wouldn’t be cool. Use your head.

4. Now this is the best shortcut. Start a blog if you can write. This option is not for everyone… I mean I have read some blogs and I wonder if the owners went to primary school. I’m not doing this to attack anyone so I won’t mention names. Close your blog tomorrow please. I’m sure you know yourselves. I mean, I would’ve said you should close it today but it would seem so obvious that I’m subbing you so do it later.  Thanks.

Now for those of you who can write! My niggaaazzz!!!

Whether you write about relationships, music, sports or comedy, the key to your coolness lies in the metaphors yo!

Use at least three or four metaphors in your post and every time add a sirqastic “see what I did there.”

If you do it well enough, I guarantee that in addition to the hordes of followers you’ll get, you will even get one or two compromising DMs from the opposite sex. (Here’s hoping I get some after this goes up. I must be great-utunu).

5. Then your twitter avatar must be fine. Now let’s be honest… If you’re good looking you know it. If you’re ugly you also know it. Don’t worry God made you perfectly in his own image so don’t worry, you can still be cool. This is important, if you’re worwor there’s no need to use your pic as avatar for Crissake… Just look for some funny pic or some inspirational emblem and use it as your avatar for the rest of your life. If you go make a mistake and put up your pic penren! I swear, some Coo keeds will blacklist you no matter how much progress you’ve made. Established Coo keeds are very wicked o! Their fathers own twitter o! Don’t Try Them o!

If you’re ugly, here’s a strategy that works. Baby pictures. Use cute kiddie pictures preferably if they’re your nephew’s or niece’s. Works like a charm, thank me later.

6. Try to be funny. Please don’t be too stupid. You can be stupid but please in the name of your coolest coo keed don’t overdo it. You will get followers but you still won’t be fully accepted into the core of the CKC (Coo Keed Club). Yeah, I almost forgot this bit but it’s the most important thing here…

DON’T TWEET IN CAPS. ALIBABA WILL BE ANGRY WITH YOU.

7. Have Insomnia. ALL COOL KIDS ARE INSOMNIACS. It is cool not to sleep. Even if you’re feeling sleepy, for the love of cool, fight it. Take loads of caffeinated coffee, kola nuts and any of those energy drinks. It is cool to tweet at night. In no time your coo-keednessity will be confirmed.

#TeamInsomnia rocks!!

N.B         If you think twitter’s not a big deal, stop lying to yourself please. Even Jesus died for you to follow him. Respect yourself or get DKB’d.

Larry Sushey.

Immortal.

Hi guys, Sushey’s back. I wrote this sometime last year for a good friend of mine, Adaora. I’m kinda under so much pressure now so i’ll just put it up her for your reading pleasure. Hope you like it…. In fact you get choice? If you no like am, you can like to err… Pray about it. (I kid)

Plus, please read her blog. she hasn’t posted in a while but Sushey thinks it’s an awesome blog all the same. read her stuff here

Enjoy today’s post!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Say what now?!

Considering the amount of gay men in the world and the frequency at which people world over are coming out the closet, isn’t it a little worrying that footballers and other sportsmen hardly come out the closet. Does this mean that there are no gay footballers in the English premier League for example? \

I remember the case of the first Black gay English footballer, Justin Fashanu (Nigerian by birth by the way) who decided to come out of the closet in 1990 in an interview with an English tabloid newspaper, The Sun. He got a lot of flack from the colleagues, fans and public commentators alike and was the constant butt of jokes jabbed at his sexuality. In March 1998, he was accused of sexually assaulting a 17 year old boy in Maryland, USA. He returned to London and on the 2nd of May the same year and committed suicide in a London garage he had broken into. His suicide note read thus: “I realised that I had already been presumed guilty. I do not want to give any more embarrassment to my friends and family.”

Did I mention that Justin was the first Black English footballer to command a 1 million Pound transfer fee?

“WHAT A WEIIST!”

Justin, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why we do not have openly gay men in the sport in England. I can authoritatively reveal to that you there are gay men in the EPL. They are just waiting to retire before they come out of the closet. I know because there are signs that they exist. They give us subliminal messages in every training session and every match. You’ve just gotta open your eyes and see the light.

I have proof.

Soccer first… Football was invented by gay men. Imagine the following scenario:

In 1863, two gay Englishmen sit on a bench in a London park and go: “Let’s start a game which women cannot play. We’ll call it football. We will put 22 scantily clad men in a very large field of green grass and their aim will be to run around kicking the ‘ball(s)’ till they ‘score’ in their opponents goal post.” Remember how short and tight the old soccer jerseys used to be? There you go. Soccer was originally meant to entertain the homosexual man. I said earlier that the signs are there, you’ve just got to smell the coffee. They jump on top of each other all in the name of celebrating goals scored and trophies won and use the opportunity to touch themselves. I am not kidding, it is the truth. They even send out old men to look for young recruits every summer to replenish their gay supply. Why do you think they get paid such high fees? You think it’s just to kick a round leather ball around a patch of green grass for 90 minutes? Think again amigos.

Evidence that soccer is a queer sport

Next up is American football!

With suggestive team names like ‘The Rams’, ‘The Steelers’, ‘The Oilers’ and ‘The Packers’. It’s not too difficult to infer that this is a homosexually inclined sport. What about the concept of the game. Again, it’s a game women don’t play often. The object of the game is to run after and grab a very highly muscled man clutching unto a ‘ball’, wrestle him to the ground and then jump on top of him. All other team mates now jump on top of him too. They only stop when another man in a gay looking fashionable black and white outfit blows a whistle and says they have just ‘scored’. I almost forgot to add, that to play this game you have to be very muscular and fit and then they force you to wear tight fitting brightly coloured uniforms. A quarter back throws the ‘ball’ to the ‘wide receiver’. ..I mean, this sport just screams ~YesHomo!

It's not always about the tackles and the runs...

Alright what about boxing?

Two shirtless muscular men are clad in ‘silk’ shorts and ‘shiny shoes’ decide to clubber themselves into submission to win a belt. A f*cking belt and a purse! Some of the silk shorts are shiny and look half the time like circus outfits.

Wrestling is even worse!!!

The WWE should be the official television program for gay porn stars. I mean how much closer to gay porn can you get? These ones show muscular-buff-mean-thug looking men who have obviously oiled their skins like porn stars in nothing but their briefs acting like they are fighting each other. What riles me is that this act of stupidity excites their gay audience and they call it entertainment. Newsflash: We know you don’t really beat each other, your acting skills suck!

You know the icing on the cake? The stuff that confirms the absolute gayness of the sport is that again, they pretend to be fighting for a bloody shiny belt!!!

Wrestling is the gayest of all sports.

You hear so many gay names like: Tony Atlas, Mike Awesome, Gold dust, Johnny Grunge, (Bodacious) Bob “Spark Plug” Holly, (Badd Ass) Billy Gunn, Grandmaster Sexay, The Honky Tonk Man, Quick Draw Rick McGraw, Scotty 2 Hotty, Knuckleball Schwartz, Samba Simba, etc.

I could go on with the names and I’d have written five thousand words in this post but I’m sure by now you get the drift. There’s this particular wrestler who even got a boner in the ring. He probably forgot to ‘strap’ his tool in the dressing room before going into the ring.

His name?... IRON SHEIK. :I

There are other sports like basketball where they play to win a ring and lawn tennis where they keep grunting like pigs on heat. Sad thing is that with all of these games, the females are in on it too. I am sure that wasn’t the intention of the inventors of these games but women have creeped in to take a place in the grand scheme of things. It’s a gay gay world we live in I tell ya!

N.B I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t add this bit. Ladies, notice how they designed these sports too last so long? It’s so that men will be so occupied watching these games for so long that girlfriends and wives will get pissed off every time it’s played and will eventually leave their men. That way the Homos have a larger supply of single men to choose from. True story people, I read the script. Please use the comment box to state your views.

*Break dances into the sunset*

My name is Larry Sushey and I am immortal.

Much ado about fish

As a child, i remember one fateful day. Mother had the previous night been frying some fish which was to be used for stew the next day.  I remember the aroma as in invaded my nostrils and in a zombie-like fashion, i strolled out of the room towards the kitchen and attempted to grab a piece. Only a stinging slap to the back propelled me back to reality. Mama saved me or rather, she saved her fish.

Fast forward to the next day after school, the maid had gone to play downstairs as usual and i strolled into the kitchen. The ‘spirit’ possessed me again and I only regained control over my body after a large piece of fish had been devoured. I swear i was ‘shocked’. Anyway, mother returns and found out that a piece of fish was missing. The woman; I don’t know whether she counted the fish or maybe by chance, i had taken the largest piece which was of course reserved for ‘daddy’. I was accused of stealing fish and given the beating of my life. I told them i didn’t steal it and only ‘took’ it but all my pleas fell on deaf ears. I knew they weren’t joking when they brought out a used tyre, and petrol and were about to set me ablaze… Anyway, i’m alive today. That story is for another day. All i know is that fish is very powerful.

This post is not intended to be funny so please don’t laugh. I am serious to the letter! Read the following with rapt attention.

It’s been a while I shared wisdom up in here. I’ve been telling cool stories for the last couple of posts so it’s time to get serious. All play and no work makes Jack a dullard. Today, i proffer to you a solution to one of Nigeria’s and in fact black Africa’s major problems. That problem is not food ala fish smart ass! It’s….  power.

I bring to you a sustainable, natural, cheap and renewable power source.  The electric fish.

Did you know that an electric eel can produce very strong electricity to shock/stun or even kill large animals? In fact, it has been reported that in strongly electric fishes, such as the electric eel, electric catfish, and electric rays, the electric organ is huge containing numerous charge producing cells called electrocytes . So numerous that their discharge voltage can reach as high as 600 volts! Under the right conditions, A 30volt charge is enough to kill one fully grown man.

Now according to Wikipedia, there are three hundred and forty eight (348) species of electric fish. Not all of these fish can generate electricity; some which can only detect electric fields are also referred to as being electric. Most of the world’s electric fish live in the tropical rivers of Africa and South America and only a fraction live in the ocean. This is captured effectively by Moller in the figure below:

Distribution of electric fish by habitat

Take a critical look at the picture above. Notice that the strongly electric intermittent fish are found mostly around West Africa and the Northern axis of South America. Zooming further in, the zone where you have the “Malapterus” species happens to include parts of north western Nigeria. Sokoto, Kebbi, Zamfara and Niger states can make themselves useful instead of being complete weists. Now take a moment to ponder this. Let’s pick a state, say Lagos. The governor can just decide to evacuate an entire suburb of Lagos. He can take the Ogba/Iju axis all the way to Akute and evacuate the people there to Ogun state or something. Ogun state needs more people. You can then convert the whole area into some sort of industrial fish farm. Imagine a  large lake filled with ‘Malapteruruses’ and ‘Torpedoes’ and ‘Astroscopuses’ and ‘Electrophoruses’, the latter three imported from the ocean and South America swimming in separate or similar little tanks or ponds and their electricity harvested for general consumption. Add that to the Hydro electricity generated by the turbines in Kainji and the numerous power generating gas plants and we have another viable option here. We could even sell the electricity in cute little car battery sized aquaria with a few of these fishes in them and have them in every home.

I'd have two of these...

Good thing is that they’ll also have aesthetic value. So that’ll be like killing two birds with one stone. Plus guess what people? The Malapterurus happens to be our very own delicacy in these parts, the catfish. You see now eh? Whenever your electric catfish or whatever type of fish you have in your little power aquarium gets old, so old that they cannot generate enough power again, you can just get them replaced and convert them to more familiar uses.

Peppersoup.

I know this is the one y'all will know!

Wetin?

Even Jesus said man shall not live by bread alone. A few years later, he fed a multitude of 5000 Jews with bread and you already know… FISH.

Okay seriously now, think about it. Imagine if we had fish powered cars, motorcycles, cookers, blenders etc. I read somewhere that the high-performance Tesla Roadster electric-powered vehicle is run on a 375 volt AC induction air-cooled electric motor. A single Electrophorus electricus also known as the electric eel can produce a 600 volt charge! The possibilities are endless. Further studies on how these fish cells produce the electricity can be done and replicated in artificial power-generating fish cells which can then be used in medical implants such as pacemakers and artificial organs.

Don’t be ‘shocked’ I did this. This idea was birthed after consuming copious amounts of agbalumo flavoured vodka which in itself was developed by dedicated Sushey scientists working hard in our Sushey labs. Thank me later.

Everyone needs to learn the stuff i teach.

Immortally yours

Larry Sushey.

Pastor says: "Smile. All is well..."

Here goes my first joke of the year: Who cracks an April fool’s joke in January?

That’s right Ebele…

Or well, that’s what we thought until we found out it wasn’t a joke and he found out we are no fools. The subsequent strike actions, social commentary and even further subsequent reduction of the fuel price to 97 bucks are enough attestation to these facts.

A lot has been said here and there about the recent activities in our dear Nigeria.

However much has been said though, it’s not enough.  After all, i haven’t said my own. Before you go gung-ho, seen-it-all, been there, done that on my ass you can like to swallow a patience pill, I hear it brings good-luck.

Not a lot of people  have talked about the real reasons why all of these activities went down. I for one think it is divine. I mean, what better time for such an uprising to come up than the year when the world ends? Yes folks, the world ends this year just in case you didn’t know yet. Look at the activities late last year in the European Union, the Arab spring, Speed Darlington, Boko Haram’s sudden courage and more recently the SOPA and PIPA threats to shut down the internet and tell me it’s not real. It’s the Iluminati. Thank me later.

Anyway, as to the real reasons why Ebele decided to inflict suffering on his people, there are different theories. Please take note that what you are about to read is very privileged information and you should count yourself lucky to have come across this piece. Note that most all of these pieces of information were culled from beer parlour gist and if you have enough experience with beer parlours, you will know that you never take beer parlour gist with a pinch of salt. Again i say, thank me later.

One man after three bottles of Gulder, half a packet of cigarettes and whatever type of weed he had smoked before coming in said Ebele is trying to break Nigeria into two. He postulated that Ebele is the head of Boko Haram. He also said that he increased the price of petroleum products (PMS) so that the protests would provide an ample opportunity for him to send his Boko boys to bomb and kill innocent Nigerians hence creating an heightened state of fear among citizens and then use Boko Haram to send Christians back to the south. According to this bros,

All is a plan work, they want Nigeria to scatter so that they can have all the oil to themself”.

This man, whose name i later found out to be Bitrus hails from Plateau state. He felt so sad and prayed to God that Kogi would accept him and his family since his wife hails from the Yoruba speaking parts of the state. He wanted to be with the south; after all he is a Christian. My take on Bitrus’ assertions is that much of it is just a load of hogwash!

I mean look at Ebele’s face.

Naah...he can't be that much of a genius

The guy no bright enough to think out that kind ingenious plan. I mean he can’t even read a damn speech without looking like a fake Kanayo O. Kanayo…

Spot the original

Look let me tell you suntin, said the Igbo man sitting in the corner sipping on some Star lager while waiting for his plate of akpu. “How can you insult the playsidaint like dat? He is not a tellolist. The Hausa and Yoluba cabal is too much in dis contray. All d people in our side where they drill the oyel doesn’t have money to feed and enjoy awaseff. (Notice famzing with the South-South?)  I support what the playsidaint is doing o! Let the money change hand so that we will form the new cabal in dis contrayy, after all it is awa oyel. Let us chop the money and let the rest of dem suffa so that there will be equirriblium”.

At this point i interjected and reminded him that he is actually Ibo and not from the south south as he was making other people to believe and that it would be wrong to take from Peter and give to Paul as he supported the subsidy removal for all the wrong reasons. He cut me short by saying he was from Abia state and that his state is an oil producing state. I bowed out tongue in cheek. (I am a trained petrophysicist and i didn’t know that…)

Bitrus muttered some unprintable stuff under his breath. The Ibo man shot him a fiery eyed glance. In my mind i was thinking: ‘correct! E don set….’

Then the gentleman in the suit, sipping on peppersoup and a bottle of malt spoke. He politely apologized for butting in on the discussion but couldn’t help but comment. He thought the problem was NOI, our honourable minister of finance. He said that other African countries had only recently removed subsidies and that all of that money was going to be stored in foreign accounts to help the ailing Euro and failing economies of Greece, Italy and Spain recover from their respective recessions. (I didn’t even know Spain was in trouble) He went on to say amongst other stuff, that Ngozi was an agent of the IMF and that he has lost all respect for her. This had me thinking for a minute and then i reminded him that the minister was actually a staff of the World Bank and not the IMF and then he said:

Bros, i say see throat, you say see neck. Wetin be the difference?

Seriously? See the evil grin?

Once again, i went tongue in cheek. Could it be true? He’s got quite a point you know…

At this point, Segun the bar tender strolled by and i ordered my bottle of Guinness extra stout. I sighted Banky Sushey alight from his car and walk towards me. “Sege, add one Harp to the stout for my guy abeg.” I then asked him what he felt about the whole subsidy removal issue and he yimued so furiously that girl with the big nose would’ve gone green with envy//

Oga, i no know o!.. he retorted as he walked away with a frown the size of Australia on his pimple ridden face.

At this point, the Igbo man was hungrily munching on his Akpu and Bitrus had moved over to the suited guy’s table. They were deeply engrossed in an argument, something about Osama Bin Laden.

A lot of other theories were postulated that fine evening. Some people said the Federal Government was trying to recoup the money spent during the general elections last year, a few others believed that Ebele should be given a chance to at least prove us wrong even though they didn’t totally trust him because of his advisers and cronies.

Anyway, I believe that however ludicrous these theories are, there has got to be an element of truth in every single one of them. Could the government and/or its officials be actively/passively involved in the recent religious bombings that have plagued the Nation? Is it possible that the IMF plans on using African money to bail out the ailing European economies? Some sort of Neo-colonialism perhaps.  Maybe we’ll soon see a new generation of South eastern and South southern billionaires. Heck, maybe Ebele’s all sincere and everything’s gonna be just fine as he as he has promised.

Maybe, maybe…. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Sincere condolences to everyone that has lost family and friends in Kano and during the whole struggle. May God bless their souls. My pastor says, Nigeria will survive and i believe him.

God bless Nigeria.

Still immortal,

Larry Sushey.

Forget the previous post.

It’s been a while i came here and i have the perfect excuse. Being that this excuse has  somewhat been trending in blogsville i’m gonna jump on the bandwagon. I haven’t posted anything in about a month because, err.. well, i’ve been in camp.

Camp was literally life changing for me. I was one of those that had the rare opportunity to have served in two different camps. It was a special feeling in both places… I mean, at the Redeemed camp there were uncountable miracles. The power of God was just everywhere. I was touched by an angel. (story for another day) After 5 days there, i moved at another camp. Bonny camp. The guard rooms in that one are very small and uncomfortable though, but nothing a Sushey couldn’t handle.

You see my very stubborn Lagos friends Ak 47 and Hafiz the fizzle Fizz decided to get into a fight with an okada man in front of Bonny camp, Victoria Island Lagos. Funny thing is the motorcyclist had offended them way before we got to the barracks but they decided to go wait for him at his home turf just to form Jack Bauer. Happens the okada man was a soldier. Let’s just say after many hours in the guard room, My life will never be the same. These ‘camping’ experiences no Harold have been life changing for me on two separate levels.  What they both have in common however is that i henceforth eschew violence. I WILL NEVER LOOK FOR TROUBLE AGAIN.

*Psyche*

Moving on, it’s xmas season and this is what this post is really about. well not exactly but yeah 2011 has been quite the year on “the Nigerian twitter”. Sushey records decided to do a remix of the 12 days of Christmas song and remind you of some of those moments that made Nigerian twitter fun this year. I might have missed some of the drama but here are the top twelve for me.

Enjoy…

*Clears throat*

On the first day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Toxic virgins up in blogsville”

The Toxic Virgin

On the second day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Super Chupa Chups, toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

Remember, remember the blogger awards?

On the third day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups, toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

Who wants to sleep with Okoya?

On the fourth day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups, toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

His name should be Teet(h)eelayo

On the fifth day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

Nutricious Ugu leaves

On the sixth day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Legend of the ‘thruster’, Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

Send me a DM. Can i "thrust" you?

On the seventh day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Oracle’s a-fooling, legend of the ‘thruster’, Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

Auracool. He sure is well above 30...

On the eighth day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Bed wetting in Lekki, Oracle’s a-fooling, legend of the ‘thruster’, Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

Na sin to piss?

On the ninth day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Chinnydiva’s outfit, bed wetting in Lekki, Oracle’s a-fooling, legend of the ‘thruster’, Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

I think she's gorgeous...

On the tenth day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Hermes purse expensive, Chinnydiva’s outfit, bed wetting in Lekki, Oracle’s a-fooling, legend of the ‘thruster’, Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

I'd set 'P' for a Hermes purse too...

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “Darlington beefs Vic’O, Hermes purse expensive, , Chinnydiva’s outfit, bed wetting in Lekki, Oracle’s a-fooling, legend of the ‘thruster’, Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

I hope it turns physical.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Majela said to me: “I’m a winsh for Jesus, Hermes purse expensive, Darlington beefs Vic’O, Chinnydiva’s outfit, bed wetting in Lekki, Oracle’s a-fooling, legend of the ‘thruster’, Fine ugu leaves… Peju’s large teeth, Babcock girls fight, super Chupa Chups , toxic virgins up in blogsville.”

Holy slap, no?

I might have missed out on some of those moments that made you go :O !

Sue me. Use the comment box to state which was your favorite scandal of the year… It’s gonna be interesting to here your views. If you aren’ t on twitter, i suggest you get an account.

Shii is cray on those streets mehn, cray cray…

Larry Sushey wishes you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

I remain immortal.

It is not news that on the Thursday, the 20th day of October, in the year of our lord 2011. I lost a friend. The west succeeded in killing a good man. Stupid, but a good man all the same. I didn’t rejoice when he was killed by snitches his own people rather i wept for that Nation. They know not what they have lost in a man who was the only uniting factor amongst the many very volatile tribes that make up that country.

Stupid, stupid Moammar. My friend of many years, if only you had listened to my advice. You were lost in your glory and got so power drunk that you didn’ t know when to press the eject button. You thought it wasn’ t gonna end and felt that you could win the battle but you forget that we war not against flesh and blood but Jews. I am going to share with these good people five of the things i would’ve done differently if i was in your shoes. I know you won’t like it but meh…. :p

Catch me if you can!

  • If i was Moammar, I would have got myself some plastic surgery done. Think about it, nobody really likes an ugly leader! Im sure you know why they kicked out the General from Ota. He like you, had every intention of running for office for a third term and see the public outcry against his ascension. Despite all your achievements, and how good you were to your people, they still literally led u to kick the proverbial bucket. Life ain’t fair i know so we’ ve gotta bleach it homie (cc @iceprince) but you could have been a little smarter dawg. Even with your country having the best medical care system in Africa, you couldn’t humble yourself and go under the knife. You could have been superstar like Mick Jagger but your pride built a mansion in Tripoli before your fall came calling. I mean who wouldn’t want good ol’ Mick ruling over them? Ugly not good for business yo! Ugly not good.

You could have had the moves like Jagger

  • If i was Moammar, I would have stepped down about twenty years ago. Like seriously i know… They were all corrupt dick heads with no genuine love for the country and they were all pussies yeah. I know you are the revolutionist. The saviour and grand master Lee that delivered Libya from the monarchy of King Idris I. My guy, you took over power in 1969 yeah? You could have at least trained somebody to take over from you bro. Look at me for example? I could have helped you out mayne! All you had to say was that i was from some remote village outside Tikrit. I’m good with Languages and i would have adapted faster than that Rick Perry dude could have ever recovered from his gaffe last night. I asked you, but like a certain oracle, #YouSaidNo. Look At Vladimir Putin, (I named one of my daughters after him) he installed Medviedev as president of Russia and became Prime minister. He still runs shit in the country by the way and now will be the next president. We could have used Libya to play “ten-ten” like they’re doing in Russia now but you didn’t listen. Now you rot in a grave not even up to six feet deep. 😦 . Im hurt. #Edeypain.
  • If i was Moammar, I would have got rid of those cheap sun shades yo! Look at your mates all over the world… Even Abacha in his life time would never have put on that crap you put on your face man! Yes you bought it for twelve thousand U.S.D and it was hand made by the ancient earth benders from the Tibetan mountains or wherever the heck but i bet you a million bucks i saw that shit in Aba. In fact i doubt that all your clothes weren’t sewn at Ariaria model market. You no get personal stylist? I swear if you had a little more style; even without the surgery your people would’ve tolerated you. Shebi Kim Jong Il is still in power now… That nigga got more style than you and that my friend is a major, major problem. I told you but #YouSaidNo

Muhammadu, are you a biker? BIG frames nigga, BIG frames.

  • If i was Moammar, I would have had a few more daughters. Infact i would have had more daughters than sons. Come on man, you know boys have too much trouble. I will have seven children and you had eight… cool, but brov seven boys and one girl is no fair balance. I mean, were you a butt pirate? Why have so many troublesome “pendula” gyrating about your crib? Then you had to name your son Hannibal… The guy just lived up to his name by being a real pain in your proverbial ass! I would have taken all my children to China if i were you so that they can famz with the who’s who in the society, you dig? Yes? Idiot. How you go dig when you no be hoe…
  • If i was Moammar, I would have been a lot nicer! Ahn ahn, bros you too wicked!!! You could have been a tad nicer to people bro! I know Libya’s a very complex country and you needed an iron fist to rule them just like Nigeria but you took it to another level joh. Yes you gave them a fantastic economy and all that stuff we wish for in Sub-Saharan Africa but you didn’t pay enough detail to the little things. Those little things have accumulated to bring you down now and i’m sure you know that phrase about little drops of water making the mighty ocean. The fat lady sang nigga and you were made to dance but you could have at least given us damn good exit moves to your swan song. Instead after forming voltron you had to beg for your life. You fall my hand bro…

Plus in 1970, You seized just the private assets of Libya’s Italian and Jewish residents, driving them from the country. Wait, you be Caeser?  Nobody fuxxx with ’em Jews bro. You didn’t get the memo? Now they got you good didn’t they? Didn’t they?!…

Everyone needs to learn the stuff i teach. Everyone.

Immortal as always,

Larry Sushey.

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