*Smashes tambourine against palms*

Kpash Kpash! Kpash kpash! Kpash Kpash! Kpash Kpash…

*sings*

We have come again, we have come again! Bros we have come again, sistehs we have come again… Oh yes (x2)

Hi guys, to be specific I mean short guys. Don’t let anybody intimidate you. You can do whatever or whoever you like if you put your mind to it. Don’t let anybody tell you you can’t do it. Or have you forgotten the story of David and Goliath? The Bible says:

“There is a way that seemeth right in the eyes of men, but the end thereof is destruction.” (for them)

I see it everywhere:

“Eww, he is so short.”

“I can never date a short guy.”

“Ha! But, why are you so short?”

Ogini?!

 

OGINI? WHAT IS IT?

OGINI? WHAT IS IT?

I have painstakingly taken time out of my tight schedule to teach you how to overcome such obstacles as height and climb the mountain that is before you. You might need to fave this post.

 

  1. Be smart, witty and or sarcastic: If you are physically short, please I beg you in the name of God, do not be mentally abbreviated now, haba! You know you are already at a disadvantage with these fine- tall -ass women and you have to be able to compensate in other areas. You go around claiming that you’re just a baby boy but please don’t be a bastard baby boy. Improve yourself by knowing about every topic there is to know about. Make jokes godammit and for gossake when they say you are short, embrace it. Use it to your advantage. Don’t be a bastard baby boy… As you are small like that, you can be a teddy bear at least. Just check out Kevin Hart…

Kevin baby boy Hart

There is a high possibility that that tall babe that has been rejecting you will happily shag this dude. She will not even essperrerit… The guy will just comic his way into her kunchas. Now if you cannot be funny to save your life, let us try another tactic, shall we?

  2.     Be innovative and deceitful: You are already short yeah, you cannot be funny or smart or witty yeah, so why not try to get a pair of HHP slippers. Just in case you were wondering, HHP stands for “high heeled pam” slippers or you can buy high heeled shoes. Invest in some nice ones bruh…  Do you want them to look down on you forever? By the time the babe finds out you are not who you seem you are, it will already be too late. She would have already fallen in love with your personality and yeah… Once again, they never esperrerited it!

 

Advancements in footwear technology

 

Can you see the magnificent lift in those shoes? Your role model in this department would have to be the late Kim Jong Il.

Swagoo Drippin'

Swagoo Drippin’

 

Just take style zoom my guy shoe abeg. You will never esperrerit it.

3.     Be tall in life: So once in secondary school, I had an argument with Deji Adewole and I called him a short man. His response was:

“Yes I might be short, but I am taller than you in life.”

        I was like:

 

That escalated quickly...

That escalated quickly…

 

Why you have to place a curse on me son? I was only playing with you, you short bastard! You have to be successful… Let your lack of height inspire you to be the best at whatever you do. Trust me, when you have a 9 zero digit account balance, you automatically gain inches. That’s when they will start describing you as small but mighty. Nicolas Sarkozy, Silvio Berlusconi and Dmitry Medvedev are all under 5’6”” tall but our role model in this case, our Holywood superstar… Tom Cruise.

If he can do it, so can you!

If he can do it, so can you!

 

4.      Just be wicked: See, if any of the above styles doesn’t work just bone all of them and be wicked! Make sure you spread chest like cobra and walk with a manly gait. When anybody tries to do anyhow attack them before they attack you. They will say you have SMS (short man syndrome) but don’t mind them. Just do your thing mate. Yes, they have even made it a disease to be short. Imagine the Short man disease is an actual ailment… Let me cull this from a telegraph.co.uk article.

Short man syndrome really does exist, Oxford University academics have found, after a study showed feeling smaller makes people paranoid, distrustful and scared of others.

Scientists used virtual reality technology to reduce the height of volunteers travelling on a computer-simulated Tube train by 10in (25cm).

The experience of being shorter increased reports of negative feelings, such as being incompetent, dislikeable or inferior.

It also heightened levels of mistrust, fear and paranoia. Height-reduced participants were more likely to think someone else in the virtual train carriage was deliberately staring, thinking badly about them, or trying to cause distress.

Researchers believe the findings demonstrate the psychologically detrimental effect of experiencing social situations from a position closer to the ground.

 

Just look at that. No, just negodu!

Now it is a crime to be brief. See, if they say you are sick just slap them and take whatever tall women you want. They will respect you whether they like it or not. When they say you have SMS just tell them it is swag. Role model in this department has to be the Great Napoleon Bonaparte!

 

See the way he 'spread chest'?

See the way he ‘spread chest’?

 

So short niggas, go ye into the world and don’t let their words bring you down. Afterall, you are already down… Don’t allow it! Do not! I also hear you can get your knees done in China…

Just saying.

Larry Sushey