July 2014


*Smashes tambourine against palms*

Kpash Kpash! Kpash kpash! Kpash Kpash! Kpash Kpash…

*sings*

We have come again, we have come again! Bros we have come again, sistehs we have come again… Oh yes (x2)

Hi guys, to be specific I mean short guys. Don’t let anybody intimidate you. You can do whatever or whoever you like if you put your mind to it. Don’t let anybody tell you you can’t do it. Or have you forgotten the story of David and Goliath? The Bible says:

“There is a way that seemeth right in the eyes of men, but the end thereof is destruction.” (for them)

I see it everywhere:

“Eww, he is so short.”

“I can never date a short guy.”

“Ha! But, why are you so short?”

Ogini?!

 

OGINI? WHAT IS IT?

OGINI? WHAT IS IT?

I have painstakingly taken time out of my tight schedule to teach you how to overcome such obstacles as height and climb the mountain that is before you. You might need to fave this post.

 

  1. Be smart, witty and or sarcastic: If you are physically short, please I beg you in the name of God, do not be mentally abbreviated now, haba! You know you are already at a disadvantage with these fine- tall -ass women and you have to be able to compensate in other areas. You go around claiming that you’re just a baby boy but please don’t be a bastard baby boy. Improve yourself by knowing about every topic there is to know about. Make jokes godammit and for gossake when they say you are short, embrace it. Use it to your advantage. Don’t be a bastard baby boy… As you are small like that, you can be a teddy bear at least. Just check out Kevin Hart…

Kevin baby boy Hart

There is a high possibility that that tall babe that has been rejecting you will happily shag this dude. She will not even essperrerit… The guy will just comic his way into her kunchas. Now if you cannot be funny to save your life, let us try another tactic, shall we?

  2.     Be innovative and deceitful: You are already short yeah, you cannot be funny or smart or witty yeah, so why not try to get a pair of HHP slippers. Just in case you were wondering, HHP stands for “high heeled pam” slippers or you can buy high heeled shoes. Invest in some nice ones bruh…  Do you want them to look down on you forever? By the time the babe finds out you are not who you seem you are, it will already be too late. She would have already fallen in love with your personality and yeah… Once again, they never esperrerited it!

 

Advancements in footwear technology

 

Can you see the magnificent lift in those shoes? Your role model in this department would have to be the late Kim Jong Il.

Swagoo Drippin'

Swagoo Drippin’

 

Just take style zoom my guy shoe abeg. You will never esperrerit it.

3.     Be tall in life: So once in secondary school, I had an argument with Deji Adewole and I called him a short man. His response was:

“Yes I might be short, but I am taller than you in life.”

        I was like:

 

That escalated quickly...

That escalated quickly…

 

Why you have to place a curse on me son? I was only playing with you, you short bastard! You have to be successful… Let your lack of height inspire you to be the best at whatever you do. Trust me, when you have a 9 zero digit account balance, you automatically gain inches. That’s when they will start describing you as small but mighty. Nicolas Sarkozy, Silvio Berlusconi and Dmitry Medvedev are all under 5’6”” tall but our role model in this case, our Holywood superstar… Tom Cruise.

If he can do it, so can you!

If he can do it, so can you!

 

4.      Just be wicked: See, if any of the above styles doesn’t work just bone all of them and be wicked! Make sure you spread chest like cobra and walk with a manly gait. When anybody tries to do anyhow attack them before they attack you. They will say you have SMS (short man syndrome) but don’t mind them. Just do your thing mate. Yes, they have even made it a disease to be short. Imagine the Short man disease is an actual ailment… Let me cull this from a telegraph.co.uk article.

Short man syndrome really does exist, Oxford University academics have found, after a study showed feeling smaller makes people paranoid, distrustful and scared of others.

Scientists used virtual reality technology to reduce the height of volunteers travelling on a computer-simulated Tube train by 10in (25cm).

The experience of being shorter increased reports of negative feelings, such as being incompetent, dislikeable or inferior.

It also heightened levels of mistrust, fear and paranoia. Height-reduced participants were more likely to think someone else in the virtual train carriage was deliberately staring, thinking badly about them, or trying to cause distress.

Researchers believe the findings demonstrate the psychologically detrimental effect of experiencing social situations from a position closer to the ground.

 

Just look at that. No, just negodu!

Now it is a crime to be brief. See, if they say you are sick just slap them and take whatever tall women you want. They will respect you whether they like it or not. When they say you have SMS just tell them it is swag. Role model in this department has to be the Great Napoleon Bonaparte!

 

See the way he 'spread chest'?

See the way he ‘spread chest’?

 

So short niggas, go ye into the world and don’t let their words bring you down. Afterall, you are already down… Don’t allow it! Do not! I also hear you can get your knees done in China…

Just saying.

Larry Sushey

 

 

 

funny-brace-yourselves-Neil-deGrasse-Tyson-hosting-Cosmos

There is no wealth like knowledge, and no poverty like ignorance – Buddha 400/500BC

 

Class is now in session.

Today we are taking a detour from the letter from Soweto collection of cryogenic stories to educate ourselves. It’s been a while I taught a lesson and i miss it. This class will be brief…

Today we talk about what a lot of people in these parts know as the ‘jerry coil.’

Ever wondered where that term came from?

First a bit of history; the correct spelling is actually “Jheri curl” and was very popular among the Black American, Black Canadian and Black British populace in the 1970s and 1980s. Of course, as Nigeria no dey carry last, we caught the bug and so did Jamaica and other black nations world over.

Now, here is what you didn’t know. The Jheri curl was invented by this guy.

Yes, a white guy.

Yes, a white guy.

 

Born as Robert William Redding (a.k.a Jheri Redding) in Rantoul, Illinois in 1907, Redding’s interest in the beauty industry began during the Great Depression, sometime between 1920 and 1945 when he realized that hair stylists and makeup artists had the best paying jobs. Now imagine these folks, there was hunger and a great economic meltdown in the USA and people were paying so much to hairdressers and make up artistes that they were the highest paid individuals in the country. What do you know about priorities? I was chilling in Rome at the time just observing like:

Observing...

Observing…

 

As a young man, he taught chemistry and worked as a hair stylist eventually becoming one of the first men to get a cosmetology license.  When the products he was using did not meet his expectations, he began experimenting with chemicals and mixed them with household items like mayonnaise and vinegar to create his own shampoos. I mean, this guy was the damn Walter White of the hair cosmetic industry! Just imagine this white guy, destroying young black people’s hairs and cashing out on their ignorance. Now prior to this time, permanent waving of hair was performed only on clients with straight hair. Jheri was the first to tap into the market of waving excessively curly hair and every black household in the USA felt the impact.

What is peppering my soul is that this style was not cheap at all. At a time when he black man was largely marginalised economically, niggas was spending cash. To maintain the look of the jheri curl, users were required to apply activator and heavy moisturizers daily and to sleep with a plastic cap on their heads to keep the hairstyle from drying out. What you know about niggas wearing hairnets? What you know about wearing shower cap to bed because you want to do fine boy? These products were expensive (a typical bottle of activator was small, retailed anywhere from $3 to $6, and was quickly depleted.) The activator in particular had the undesirable side effect of being very greasy; this would often stain clothing and anything that came into contact with it. On top of all this ‘sufferness’, this stuff was damaging to the hair. Washing the hair cleansed it of all the chemicals and shii but also exposed the damage done to your scalp. Then to add insult to injury, the user would have to return to the salon for a touch up adding to the already bloated expenses for a good hairdo.

What brand of mumuness is this? How much is it to barb gorimapa?

Two for five Naira...

Two for five Naira…

 

Black celebrities at the time like Michael Jackson, Rick James, Samuel L. Jackson (wig), Eriq Lasalle and even much later Easy-E and Ice cube were highly instrumental to the spread of the fad. Going round looking like wet mops. It was the soul movement of the 70s and 80s…

 

I'm just here franking my face like Samuel L. Jackson

I’m just here franking my face like Samuel L. Jackson

For the record, in all my years of immortal existence, I have never and will never be caught in a jheri curl. It’s not even hard… All it takes to put me off is the idea of going to bed with a plastic bag when they did not swear for me, (Not that if you did it’ll mean anything cos I am immortal and shii and can do whatever the fuck I want)  but NO.

Then you have to watch where you rest your head so as not to soil head rests with oils dripping from your shampoos/moisturisers/conditioners. By the mid 80s, the fad was outta fashion even though the likes of Ice cube and Easy- E, members of the defunct rap group N.W.A wore it well into the mid 90s. Nowadays though, the curl is kinda sorta back for the ladies in the forms of synthetic wigs. However, these aren’t anything like the original jheri curls with oils dripping everywhere like Didier Drogba.

Hian!

Anyway, I rep team Natural. Let me see who will come and perm my gorimapa.

 

...

Class is over.

Larry Sushey.