I warned you...

I warned you…

My name is Nwabudi.

I am a celebrity but you do not know me like that. An African man and like many of my kind, I love a woman with a big fat ass. For me, the bigger a woman’s booty, the prettier she is. Even Big Sean, the famous American rapper recognizes my finesse in this area when he mentioned me in this song here. I mean, he said the word ‘ass’ 16 times at the beginning of the song before he went on to honour yours truly.

“Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass. Stop…..now make that motherfucker hammer time like… Go stupid; go stupid; go stupid; go stupid… Nwabudi Nwabudi Nwa Nwabu Nwabu, I’m st-stacking my paper my wallet look like a bible…”

What more proof do you need?

What are the odds of him making a song about ass and then go ahead to mistakenly mention my name in the same exact track? Don’t be jealous… Someday you shall be great like me.

So you see there’s this girl that lived on my street. She came from somewhere in the East to spend the holidays with her aunty. Because I am a silly cunt, her name eludes me but I can assure you that I will never forget her. First time I set my eyes on her was last week Tuesday and I knew my grandfather, Afolabi Akunamatata Sushey would not forgive me if I didn’t lie in coitus with her. She had that i-can-see-it-from-the-front type of back. To say the least, she looked ‘fatasstic’. I watched her as she swiveled her ass effortlessly and sat in front of her house on a wooden stool.

From the way she was sat, I could see her hips spill from her sides like a Mercedes Benz 190, extra padded. Getting closer I observed she was peeling oranges. This was gonna be easier than I thought…

Small thing...

Small thing…

So I told her I was going to buy all her oranges if she agreed to hang out with me the following Friday at the neighborhood bar. She went along telling me the oranges would cost me about three thousand bucks. I stuck my hand in my wallet and handed over the cash to her wondering what I was gonna do with a basket of oranges when she went:

“Bros, I no dey sell orange. This orange wey I dey peel na my hobby. Sha-Sha baby, (pausing to adjust her perky yellow breasts in her bra) na for big boys like you.”


Check up!!!

Last card, Check up!!!

I told her to keep the cash nonetheless and use it to fix her hair. She giggled sheepishly and I observed that she had dimples and snow-white teeth. “Oh dear me, this was probably the most beautiful girl in Enugu”, I thought and Patrick (tucked away in my boxers) agreed by nodding excitedly.
We exchanged numbers…


Fast forward to the best Friday of my life thus far, I drove to her house and called her. She came out after about 5 minutes of waiting and damn she looked like a crossbreed of Beyonce Knowles Carter, Jenniffer Lopez and Kim Kadarshian garnished with a little hint of Mila Kunis. She wore a body-hugging, short flowery dress which properly accentuated her curves. Her backside was as outstanding as Gulliver in Lilliput.


No long thing

No long thing

Patrick was struggling so hard to get outta my pants I had to start reciting Psalm 23.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…”

So I didn’t drive her to the neighbourhood bar. I took her far away to a not so classy joint in the Jersey part of town. Immediately we walked in the joint, my baby’s nyansh became the center of attraction. You know when you walk into a spot with a woman and everybody notices how posteriorly endowed she is before they even notice her face?


Well, I can’t accurately describe the feeling. I felt like a king. People were turning around and I swear even the music from the DJ’s speakers paused for 35 seconds. This was my night and I was shining in the reverie of Nkiru’s (that’s her name!) glorious beauty. I ordered fish pepper-soup for us and had about 18 shots of vodka. She had just two bottles of Smirnoff ice(imagine!) even though I was willing to pop champagne for her. We danced and danced and Patrick choked and gasped in my pants. Nkiru licked my ears; I didn’t know when I started speaking Yoruba. (At this point I don’t even care if you laugh at me. The story continues)

So 5 hours later we are back at my place and we started kissing. Before long, my hands had found their way over her mounds of joy and I was fondling her breasts with reckless abandon. Patrick was going stupid in my jeans.

Then as if suddenly possessed by a sexy demoness, she pushed me to the bed and started to slowly undress me with her teeth. Pausing in between to use the same teeth to bite me in places I never knew could trigger pleasure in my pants. By the time she got to my jeans, I couldn’t take it anymore so I hurriedly assisted her by removing my jeans and boxers and released Patrick who by now was nodding like an agama lizard.

Her mouth was warm. She went up and down and would massage Patrick with her soft hands before licking him like a lollipop. After about ten minutes, she suddenly stopped sucking me off and seductively stripped to her underwear. Spotting matching black lace panties and bra, she strutted majestically nyansh and all, to her bag where she removed a cd and went over to my stereo to play. The music came on and she started dancing. Nkem stood in front of me in her undies and started dancing makossa to this song here …


 see somtin2

Ladies and gentlemen, I took off.

I mean I ran, naked of preek all around the compound shouting“HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!” It was as if she was in a trance because by the time I got back she was still dancing away, going stupid on the dance floor. She was doing splits and making her yellow butt cheeks do the ever ridiculous Milo clap. I interrupted her mid-dance by approaching her and sliding the thong to the side.

#InsertTongueNonJutsu. (I swear she wasn’t smelling. In fact, she tasted like oranges).

I massaged her clit with my tongue and lapped up all of her juices. She pushed me to the ground and sat on my face. I ate her up like that shit was Sunday rice. She started showing her first real signs of weakness…

She started speaking Igbo.

Nkiru: “Chineke me!!! Ikpu m o!!! Anwo m oooo! ” (I don equalize)

Then she started to vibrate like a Nokia 3310 phone so I stopped. Couldn’t allow her cum so quickly….
So I bent her over the crook of the bed and assumed a position on the floor behind her. Rug burns being the least of my problems I started banging her. (No condom) The 10 -5- 5-10 formula was in place.

10 fast busts, 5 short thrusts, 5 fast and then 10 slow thrusts. The babe was meeting my every move with a vicious wind of her waist. Me too was just giving her the Iyanya twist…

I kukere'd that pussy...

I kukere’d that pussy…

She tightened her pussy walls around my member as she came. The tight grip and the sight of her ass in front of me in all its heavenly glory was just amazing! The solitary waist bead on her waist shone like silver. I could feel my nut coming so I started to think of other stuff. (Can’t cum so quickly…) Stuff like the war in Syria, The Holy Bible, Goodluck Jonathan, Tweet oracle, any damn thing to take my mind off that ass. I was interrupted in my thoughts by Nkiru’s loud moaning.

Nkiru: “Nyem ya! Nyem ya! Mee wee! Mee wee! Mee wee!”

At this point I was the only one moving, she had become lazy. So I started to pull on her solitary waist bead. (Let me teach you guys something. When you’re with a woman in the doggy position and she is wearing a waist bead, it’s kinda like riding a horse. If she gets lazy and stops moving, just tug on the waist beads a bit, like you would do with a rein on a horse. She will suddenly respond by moving her hips back to meet your penetration halfway because she doesn’t want her bead to cut)

She started moving again…

Nkiru: “Ïkpu m o!! Nwa ofe mmanu I nwe ikpu m forever. Amu gi atoka ehhh!! Akwusina! Akwusina!! Akwusinaaaaa…”

She had cum again.




As I emptied the contents of my immortal nuts into her, I swear I saw myself in shiny white robes and a golden crown.

I felt like a deity.

Larry Sushey, Immortal.