Good day ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
Happy new year to y’all.

I put posts up here only 12 times in 2012. Imagine that?! No, I need you to really take a little time to ponder over something that is totally none of your business. Out of 366 days I managed to write on only 12 of those. That’s an average of one post per month. Doesn’t sound so bad right?

 

Wrong.

It’s an abysmal performance. Converting to percentage, that’s about 3.3%. Now is there any grade worse than an F? A zee perhaps? Or maybe worse than a zee. Oya dash me…

Infact, let me set nyansh to stool so that you can put whip to purpose.

I SET NYYAAANNNSH, TO THE STOOL... (Adele's voice)

I SET NYYAAANNNSH, TO THE STOOL… (Adele’s voice)

And no Kelvin, I am not a sick perverted gay ass hole who likes to get it while stooling.

Die.

So i came across a debate topic recently. It was about the shape of our heads particularly Igbo and Yoruba tribes of Nigeria. I wonder why the Hausas arent usually involved in these discussions.

L-R IGBO HEAD, YORUBA HEAD

L-R IGBO HEAD, YORUBA HEAD

Anyways, I was wondering. What is the perfect head shape? While there is no such thing as a “perfect head” there is definitely a “norm” for infant heads around the world.

Typically, the average skull is one third longer than it is wide. Anything apart from this and you’re an alien.

Don’t argue, just accept it.

Not like being an alien is bad or anything, I mean majority of us are not normal. Me for example with my egg shaped head…. *bursts into deep tears*
At least I am normal in some distant planet, maybe.
Reminds me of when we were younger and people used to abuse us by the shape of our heads. “pawpaw head”; “yam head”; “coconut head”; “mango head”; “guava head”. Etc.
Please take a minute to ponder about this because it does concern you this time.

Oh now you see uhn?

A human being will settle down and decide to call another human being that God has created Yam Head.

If this isn’t wickedness in high places, I don’t know what is.

See ehn, you have my permission. If anyone has ever called you a yam head, find that fellow and inflict bodily harm on the devil. I am not even joking!

Do you know what a yam tuber is? Do you? Do you? DO YEEEOOOUWWW??

YAM? YAM HEAD? I SHED JERUSALEM TEARS

YAM? YAM HEAD? I SHED JERUSALEM TEARS

*NB* That’s the prettiest yam i could find on the internet.
Mrs. Adeoba, my primary 3A English teacher called me mango head once. Imagine the effrontery!

How I wish I could look her in the eye now and tell her she was wrong and then do the chicken dance in her face for emphasis. I’m an egghead ma. You need to check the dictionary meaning of an egghead in case you didn’t already know. *strokes beard and yimus condescendingly*

DO YOU WANT MY PIN?

DO YOU WANT MY PIN?

I’m right and you’re not! Feli feli.. (in D’banj’s voice)
Now this is an actual mango head. Compare and contrast the contours with the actual mango.
Some mothers do have them…

:(

😦

Then there’s the orange head.

Segun Oshin was my senior by a year in secondary school and I swear to God that guy had the most spherical head I have ever seen.

A typical orange boy.

I am not kidding guys; this guy’s head was like a cookie.

SAY CHEESE MATE! :D

SAY CHEESE MATE! 😀

In case you’re reading this at night, go outside and look at the moon. (Tongue in cheek it’s a full one) Now close your eyes and hold it!
That’s Segun’s head right there! I shit you not.
Okay now, on second thought, it might not even be an insult if somebody ever described you as having a fruit head. Seriously, I wouldn’t argue if anyone called me a pear head if I was the guy below. It’s almost like his head and the pear are identical twins.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH MAYBE?

SEPARATED AT BIRTH MAYBE?

I mean if i were this mister right here, i would even christen myself the pear-headed man for good measure. You’ve gotta identify ya selling point before it gets too late.

Now before i bounce, there’s one more thing. theres a special category that if anyone called you, you have a right to go ape shit mad and kill everybody i your community, before shooting yourself in the head.

No scratch that, your head is bullet proof. Shoot yourself in the privates ater decapitating the mo’fucker who called you that name. This type of head is in a different category of it’s own. I mean, it’s like a pic stitch of all the available fruit types from coconut to water melon….

GERVINHO HEAD

GERVINHO HEAD

Don’t you ever let anyone call you this. In fact it should be a capital crime…

MY GOD. *Inserts tears of the Armageddon*

Whatever that means…

Larry Sushey, Immortal. 🙂

NB* Don’t lie, what is the shape of your own head?