December 2012


Good day ladies and gentlemen. Grab your seats and your blankets. I want to tell you a story.

Once upon a time…

Mother wasn’t proud

He was a retired militant. Retired so on the dying wishes of his late mother, the prison warder had vowed to name his first child after her so he named him Maria. Maria Otambus Otakpolor was born on the 14th of April 1982 to the family of Mr. & Mrs. Fidelis Okoko Onunkete – Otakpolor in Warri, Delta State. Fidelis was a retired militantwho became born again & became a prison warder, with dreams of one day becoming the head prisonwarder in the whole region. The one that collected all the ‘gifts’ from the prisoners’ family members. The onethat got the most complimentary bags of rice at Christmas, the biggest chicken(s) and the most bottles of groundnut oil.

He wanted to be the one.

Young Maria, the inspiration.

Young Maria, the inspiration.

When Maria was three, The Nigerian prisons Commission gave Fidelis a promotion and he was to resume at the Ikoyi prisons in Lagos. Fidelis received the news with great joy, he was going to be a big boy at last. I mean, this was Lagos where all the biggest criminals were caged. He had prayed for this since he joined the prisons service as a young man at the Warri Prisons and intended to grab this opportunity with all gusto. He was going to ‘shine bright like a diemon’ and nobody was gonna stop him.

So Maria grew up in the warders’ barracks Ikoyi. Boy, was growing up in the barracks a whole load of fun! Maria and his friends would play football in the sand immediately he returned from school till the sun set & he had to go help his mother with her business.

From L-R, Suo, Maria, Bobo & Peero (February 1991)

From L-R, Shege, Maria, Bobo & Peero (February 1991)

His mother, Divine Ogbruche Otakpolor a.k.a Bakassi Peninsonata sold akara, fried yam, fried fish and plantain to support her family so naturally, Maria was inclined to help mama. That was where the pilfering habit started. “Borrowing” five naira from mama’s money to buy agbalumo soon became taking 20 naira to buy cigarettes before he graduated to stealing 500 bucks to buy weed from the neighborhood drug dealers. Maria was a popular boy in the Warders barracks. Everybody knew him to be the party starter and boy, did he know how to rock a partayy!.. Tongue in cheek (in the local agbero tout shina rambo kinda way though).

Every fortnight, the prison warders escorted a few prisoners out of the prison and brought them chained into the barracks to do some hard labour before returning them to their cages. Mariana & his friends would gather and pelt stones at them while singing demeaning songs.

“Ole! Ajibole!! Ole! Ajibole!! Ole! Ajibole!!”

“Tiffi Tiffi!!! Tiffi Tiffi!!! Tiffi Tiffi!!!”

This was a constant reminder for him and his friends to forever remain good boys so that they do not end up like the bad men in brown khaki.

Fast forward to the year of our Lord 2009.

At SSS1, Maria decided he was gonna quit school and go learn a trade. I mean, he had barely passed any of his exams anyway. He had repeated so many times and attended so many schools he wasn’t sure he was fast approaching 28 anymore. This was him taking his singular most responsible decision since he was born. He was going to learn a trade, be a carpenter or maybe a bus driver. His best friend Suo, was a danfo drivers’son and he always had money to spend on the babes. Suo’s father owned three buses plying the streets of Lagos and on an average he made about 10,000 Naira every day. So he became an apprentice. First started out as a conductor on the Obalende-Lekki-Ajah route and used the opportunity to learn how to properly maneuver a bus. At night and on Sundays, he would take the bus, go pick his friends and they’ll go have cool funs at Elegushi beach.

Big bucks time. :D

Big bucks time. 😀

Maria was living the life…
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The Mc'bannies.

The Mc’bannies.

Timothy Mc’banny was of Scottish descent. Born of an Irish whore lass and a proper lad of a drunkard father, he was quite a good kid. Made good grades all through elementary and high school and even chose to study at the Robert Gordon University Aberdeen. His only vice was that he loved women. Tim would literally give an arm and a leg for some good wench anytime any day. It was almost sure that it would be his love for wenches that would eventually kill him.
After bagging his first degree in mechanical engineering, he got a job with an American company which required him to travel to Nigeria to work on a pipeline construction project for one of its subsidiaries. Tim received the news with great joy as it meant that he would finally have an opportunity to lie in the bosom of the black African woman. He had heard that their booties is the ‘ghen-ghen’ from tales told by his friends who had at one time gone on a field trip to Congo.

THE GHEUN!

THE GHEUN!

Somewhere in Lagos….
Maria: “Suo of life. Happen?”
Suo: “Masha Matas… Biggest boy in the woh arena… We no dey even see your brake light.”
Maria: “How? No be like that o… I loss my fone o! You wey I dey follow you up? I dey follow you up on twitter and I dey follow you up on BBN… sheck your following number nah.”
*Suo hits the buttons of his second hand Curve 2*
Suo: “Wetin be your BB name?”
Maria: “Masha Matas, short for… heminem. The ree slim shady”
Suo: “See you nah, but dem don steal d fone abi?”
Maria: “Yes. When I buy new one I go follow you up. How your babes?”
They went further to talk about how there was gonna be a party at Elegushi on Sunday evening. Maria was going to pick Suo up at the warders barracks after work and then they would proceed to Jakande to pick up babes and the other small chops.

Sweet 16 was going to be live!

*********************************************************************************************************

Tim had made a new friend in Jonah since he landed Nigeria on Thursday. Jonah was the youngest Naija boy in the office and he seemed to be the party type. It wasn’t long before they hit it off. It was Sunday evening and they decided to walk across the street to grab some chicken from the neighborhood fast food store. As he stepped unto the road, a girl with the hugest tits gestured to Tim to buy some plantain chips. Tim turned towards Jonah…
Tim: “Oi, Jon… That lass has got the biggest titties eh?”
Tim had no idea why Jonah was running…
Jonah: “ARE YOU NOT SEEING ZEBRA CROSSING?!!!”

**********************************************************************************************************
Maria had picked up Suo at the Warders barracks on Awolowo road. Suo had convinced him to take some Alomo bitters and he was feeling like quite the man. As he sped towards the corner the only thing he saw was a man in red hat running off like he’d seen a ghost!
Jonah: “ARE YOU NOT SEEING ZEBRA CROSSING?!!!”
Maria: “ARE YOU A ZEBRA?”

Not exactly but very similar...

Not exactly but very similar…

*GBOOOOSHAGRIBIDIGOOGOOGBIM!!!*

A dead white man on black coal tar; hit by a bus at a zebra crossing.
*Insert ironic awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn here*
Tim Mc’banny’s brain was spluttered all over the road, dead as an Akpos joke.
Anyway, Maria now resides at the Ikoyi Prisons, serving 50 years with hard labour for involuntary man slaughter. His Father never ‘shone bright like a diemon’. The news of Maria’s incarceration killed him.

Now every fortnight, when the warders bring Maria and his mates out to do their manual labour dose… The kids at the warders’ barracks gather and chant mockingly:
“Ole! Ajibole! Ole!! Ajibole!! Ole!! Ajibole!!!”

Awwwwwwwun!

Awwwwwwwun!

How have the tables turned. Today, the 21st of December 2012, he wishes the world to end. Will it?
The end.

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Many are mad but few are roaming. I’m not just anybody, I am Larry Sushey.

Peace! (^.^)y

A challenge

 

First of all… I don’t normally do this.

I have heard that the world as we know it ends in 17 days. In case this is true, I just have to put this out there. 2012 is/was (depending on when you read this) a good year. For one I am alive, hale and hearty. There are a lot of people who started with us and are no longer here. There are others more languishing in pain on hospital beds. There are yet others who are trapped within the confines of prison walls however innocent they are.

This year I lost a friend barely 2 weeks before wedding his soul mate. How it happened is still a mystery as he just complained of a tummy ache and slept in the Lord within 30 minutes of reaching the hospital. Emmanuel would’ve been happily married this month and I’m sure he had envisaged a lifetime of bliss with his heart throb. This life is filled with pain and sorrow. This same life, not another is filled with joy and gladness. Ups and downs, topsy-turvy.

See, if you met me for the first time this year chances are you met me at the lowest ebb of my life. Forget that I put up a brave face and probably laughed with you & had fun. Deep inside I have been unhappy. Everything had to be managed. Up until now, only a few people knew this.

“If you wish to achieve worthwhile things in your personal and career life, you must become a worthwhile person in your own self-development.” –  Brian Tracy: Self-help author and motivational speaker.

Anywhere I go, people like giving me responsibilities. It’s like they just see my face and think to themselves: “Yes. Lay it on Lanre’s shoulders. He can do it.”

I changed jobs twice this year. The first time it was to doing something entirely new. I was head of marketing and business development for a fast growing ICT coy. During the interview process, I never knew I’d get the job because on my cv I had never even done anything relating to marketing/biz – dev before. So I just went in and did my bit. I got the job but I didn’t expect to be made Head of department. For the umpteenth time in my life I was thrust in the deep end & I had to either swim or drown. Why they offered me the position, I don’t know. Why I accepted the position, I don’t know. I guess i just had something to prove to myself. That i could face any challenge headlong without faltering… Maybe.

I just went in and did my best & I will be honest with you guys, it was pure struggle. The pay wasn’t worth the stress and the pressure (at least compared to my previous pay) and a whole heap of shit kept being dumped at my doorstep. I wanted to quit so many times to just go wait at home but some people whose opinions I consider helped me to move on till something better came along. Thank you guys, (you know yourselves.)  I hurt some people this year, albeit taking out my frustrations on them and straining our blossoming friendship(s). I’m sorry and I hope we can be cool again someday.

Then an opportunity came along and within 2 weeks I was back to doing what I love. Another job change; career back on track; change in my pocket; no haters (yet). Still no girl, my forever alone ass stays being forever alone…

In all this, I am thankful I went through the fire. It has helped me in my personal self-development and will positively impact on my career someday hopefully. I thank God for some of the people I met. I have come across some really ignorant people too and if for nothing, I have learnt to thank God for the little knowledge I have. Life is hard people but this same life is also sweet. Struggle is not necessarily a bad thing. Steel as

Then this year, I met a girl.

Yeah, yeah I meet a lotta girls but this one is just different. As to whether she will read this I don’t know, but I really like this one. The fact that I met her at a place I wouldn’t normally meet people I should like this much leaves me all the more befuddled when I think about the circumstances. Feelings that were not supposed to be caught have stuck but yeah, she’s that special. This one has made me lose all my super powers. I’m still single and everything but I really wish my world as it is (in that regard) ends before the Mayans’ prophecy get us.

I’m serious.

Then thanks to my family for their support and ever fervent support. Thanks to my Susheys too. You guys are the awesomest!

“AIN’T NOBODY FRESHER THAN MY CLIQUE.”

I mean we’ve had our own problems this year but we have always come out unscathed and true to the game.

Love you guys, no homo.

Sushey out.

 

N.B The struggle hasn’t allowed me write too many posts this year, I apologise. Expect one more Sushey classic before this year runs out. I promise.

I will now go ahead and post this without proof reading before I change my mind about posting it.

I’m gone for real this time.