August 2012


Coo keed

Na play I was with the Jesus joke.

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The Nigerian Twitter is the best twitter in the whole wide world. Now this is my own opinion and last I checked, I am entitled to have at least one of those aren’t I?

The reasons for my above assertion are right there in your faces. All you have to do is open your eyes to see them stare right back at you. I go on the Nigerian twitter everyday and I can’t feel but be helpless at times. Seriously, I see the gbagauners and the gbagaunees. I see the intellectuals and the downright dumb fucks. Then there are the retards, the bloggers, the stalkers, and then your parents.

Majority of the members of the fore named groups apart from ‘your parents’ have one common goal, to be a part of the coolest bunch on the Nigerian twitterville. Those of you whose parents are here are already cool. Afterall, there are different degrees of ice cold.

No jokes. This is some serious shit. Pay attention as I teach you how to be a Naija twitter ‘coo keed.’ (That’s what they’re called, atink?)

1. Follow Sir_Scribbles. If you have time, do a background check on all your favorite twitter celebs, they all follow Richard. (That’s me famzing.) You se ehn, to be cool you have to have cool on your TL. Sir_Scribbles will always follow back it you have a nice handle. It doesn’t matter who you are, Scribbles no dey dribble. Don’t ever ask for a follow back, cool kids apart from Scribbles won’t follow you back. Do the occasional RT of your seniors tweets and don’t you ever over ‘LOOOL’ their tweets. They will never follow you back. Tweet at them in their mentions. Here is an example.

@Sir_Scribbles: Manchester United will need to sign George Michaels to make Degea stop singing like the damn phantom of the opera!

Now you see the above tweet?

Even though it might make no sense to you and the onlyMichaels you know is Shawn Michaels. Don’t be afraid. First go on your TL and do this:

@NickFish3r: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!

Then go on his TL and do this…

—–> RT @Sir_Scribbles: Manchester United will need to sign George Michaels to make Degea stop singing like a damn phantom of the opera!

This way, you have created an impression that you’re smart/cool. Little by little they will start accepting you.

2. Then your tweets have to have that cool semblance. Tweet a lot about Foreign actors and musicians. You can’t go on there and be talmbaout Tonto Dikeh and that Nkiru babe all the time! You can just go on there and tweet stuff like this:

    @NickFish3r: Phil McDermot’s Tears of a mourning dawn >>>>>>>>>>>>>

You see how cool that looks? Even though you formed the name in your head, don’t be surprised when some random stranger goes:

@RandomStranger: !!! RT @NickFish3r: Phil McDermot’s Tears of a mourning dawn >>>>>>>>>>>>>

You’re beginning to get groupies nigga! Pop CHAMPAGNE!!! God bless you if @RandomStranger is an established twitter coo keed. You have arrived…

Another example is

@NickFish3r: Melanie Crawford in the remake of the 1921 movie, Roses of Crimson was uber awesome!!!

Before you know it, people will begin to follow you and beg for follow back. Just watch…

3. DO NOT ever in your life tweet googled jokes/quotes. You see, google is about the most visited website in the world. I can bet you that there is nothing you want to tweet that someone has not seen or even tweeted before. Tweeting googled jokes or quotes is like committing twittercide. You can never be cool. Personally I will block you and then unfollow your ass if you tweet stuff like these and I see it.

@NickFish3r: Do not take life too seriously, nobody gets out of it alive.

@NickFish3r: Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

There is no coolness in your destiny. I mean if you went on an expedition to the north and south poles you still wouldn’t be cool. Use your head.

4. Now this is the best shortcut. Start a blog if you can write. This option is not for everyone… I mean I have read some blogs and I wonder if the owners went to primary school. I’m not doing this to attack anyone so I won’t mention names. Close your blog tomorrow please. I’m sure you know yourselves. I mean, I would’ve said you should close it today but it would seem so obvious that I’m subbing you so do it later.  Thanks.

Now for those of you who can write! My niggaaazzz!!!

Whether you write about relationships, music, sports or comedy, the key to your coolness lies in the metaphors yo!

Use at least three or four metaphors in your post and every time add a sirqastic “see what I did there.”

If you do it well enough, I guarantee that in addition to the hordes of followers you’ll get, you will even get one or two compromising DMs from the opposite sex. (Here’s hoping I get some after this goes up. I must be great-utunu).

5. Then your twitter avatar must be fine. Now let’s be honest… If you’re good looking you know it. If you’re ugly you also know it. Don’t worry God made you perfectly in his own image so don’t worry, you can still be cool. This is important, if you’re worwor there’s no need to use your pic as avatar for Crissake… Just look for some funny pic or some inspirational emblem and use it as your avatar for the rest of your life. If you go make a mistake and put up your pic penren! I swear, some Coo keeds will blacklist you no matter how much progress you’ve made. Established Coo keeds are very wicked o! Their fathers own twitter o! Don’t Try Them o!

If you’re ugly, here’s a strategy that works. Baby pictures. Use cute kiddie pictures preferably if they’re your nephew’s or niece’s. Works like a charm, thank me later.

6. Try to be funny. Please don’t be too stupid. You can be stupid but please in the name of your coolest coo keed don’t overdo it. You will get followers but you still won’t be fully accepted into the core of the CKC (Coo Keed Club). Yeah, I almost forgot this bit but it’s the most important thing here…

DON’T TWEET IN CAPS. ALIBABA WILL BE ANGRY WITH YOU.

7. Have Insomnia. ALL COOL KIDS ARE INSOMNIACS. It is cool not to sleep. Even if you’re feeling sleepy, for the love of cool, fight it. Take loads of caffeinated coffee, kola nuts and any of those energy drinks. It is cool to tweet at night. In no time your coo-keednessity will be confirmed.

#TeamInsomnia rocks!!

N.B         If you think twitter’s not a big deal, stop lying to yourself please. Even Jesus died for you to follow him. Respect yourself or get DKB’d.

Larry Sushey.

Immortal.

Inspiration for this was drawn from a rap song i used to really like by Styles P. Enjoy.

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This is a true story ladies and gentlemen.

You might not believe it though but fuck it, I don’t care.

I’m about to open up.

My Knife

 

Listen. One day I fell asleep and my knife woke me up.

He said: “Your gun is in the closet flipping, talking about I get the most action he’s about to soak me up.”

So I went to the closet said: “Glock what’s wrong with you?!”

Gun: You ain’t bursting me off, it’s like I don’t belong to you!!!”

I said: “I just beat a case daddy. I’m trying to take it easy cos I’ve gotta move this weight daddy.”

Then the glock said: “Larry listen, you used the knife twice in a row, tell me if the plan’s switching. Cos we used to get around together, we used to put niggas down together, tell me if it’s now or never!”

I said: “Glock take it easy baby, cos I’ve got niggas to kill and I would never do you greasy baby. All you’ve gotta do is chill a while…”

My glock

Then the glock said: “Cool cos you know that I feel you Sush.”
My knife said to me: “I hawk niggas down, bust arteries.” (And he gets bright red for me.)

Me: “Knife you’re my nigga but leave me alone, I got to talk to my man Haze to get in the zone.”

 

Haze

I said: “Haze what the hell is up?”

He said: “You know how we do, you know that we’re crew, so where’s the vanilla dutch?”

Now I’m rolling something up, thinking about killing every blogger in the game and holding something up.

My haze said to me: “You need to calm down when the rage come to you, before a grave or a cage or a gauge come to you. But you don’t give a fuck, so just open up your book and let your page come to you.”

Now even though I’m humble and noble, I’m immortal and I don’t give a f***

If you don’t understand this paragraph it’s probably cos haze is in the building and don’t blame me if i shoot you through your mobile device/computers.

Wait. Hold up my niggas, it really isn’t a convo unless your money starts talking…

My money

My money spoke to me.

It said shit, that if it wasn’t for his ass there wouldn’t be no hope for me.

Me: “Money ain’t everything.”

Then he laughed at me, and said the glock ought to blast at me.

He said: “I got you out of jail, paid for the lawyer and bail. Take a look at the cars and the crib; I keep the clothes on your back, food in your mouth, even paid for the birds when you moved niggas south. Shit, I’m the reason why the block is jumping. Let fake niggas try to stop something, your Susheys’ll pop something. Plus I’m the reason why you’re ride or die; you keep a lot of me by your side, shoot niggas in the eye.”

I said: “Money you’re the root of evil. How did they print ‘In God We Trust’ knowing what you do to people?”

But I’m a hard felon. So I grabbed two stacks, dirty and bloody cos I heard my car yelling.

Lamborghini Mercy…

I got a story to tell, my knife talked to me but, nobody believes that my knife talked to me.

I got a story to tell, my hammer talked to me but, nobody believes that my hammer talked to me.

I got a story to tell, my haze talked to me but, nobody believes that my haze talked to me.

I got a story to tell, my money talk to me but, nobody believes that my money talked to me.

 

Walahi i’m not mad.

I’m Larry Sushey (Esquire)

True…