Intro tune: *They say Hola’ Hovito; That’s what they sayin’ when I roll up with my people…*
Ehen, don’t lie. Kim Kadarshian is finer than your girlfriend.
I lied in the title. This post is not R21, it’s rated 18. That’s a 3 year difference so don’t be carrying nose like it’s the same thing. It’s been a while yeah? I know… I have been uber busy. I’ve been so busy I barely even have time for real girls to do my runs. Now I have 3 imaginary babes on my case. Two Molato women and an Aztec bitch. I’m still forming for the Aztec though, she likes to chew tobacco. I don’t like that shit.
Anyway, I have missed y’all. I used to think I didn’t care much about this blog but #Iswerrugad I do! Like seriously, I fell sick during this long break from thinking about when next I’d have time to put my fingers to keyboard. I will try not to abandon y’all again. I also have a feeling that some of you will not like this post so I’ll just go ahead and make a few things clear.
CLAIMER:
This post was written by me. Any references/subs to persons living or dead are not a coincidence, I mean am. I take full responsibility for whatever the outcome of this post is. Parent axing, transformer hugging, Maggi cube chewing, soak away drinking and salad tossing can be indulged in, I don’t give a shit. This post wasn’t written under the influence of any legal substances, If you think you have too much sense, i suggest you stop reading now. If you do choose to read this post, (as I guess you would) you have a right to remain silent as anything you say/type in the comment section can and will be used against you in future posts.
*sips shawarma*
I really want to smack the person who coined the phrase “ashawo no be work” upside the head! What is it then? Na hobby?
Last weekend, I was at BeerBarn a very nice hangout spot on Aminu Kano Crescent, Wuse2 Abuja and after slurping some good liquor I ran out of cash. I decided to take a short walk to the nearest ATM to get cash for some more shayo. On the way back, there were about 4 hos standing on the curb. As I walked past them, they began to beckon thus: “sweeeeeet boy”; “hans boy”; “come now, let me be your val tonight.” In my mind I was like, “who the fuck are these niggaz calling sweet? Do I look like ice cream?” Like seriously, is that even how to pick up men? What kinds of man ‘fork’ this species of woman anyway? I have nothing against hos. I mean to each his/her own but please what is worth doing is worth doing well.So without further ado, I present to you Larry Susheys hand book for the modern ashaw(h)os. I will print this and go back to distribute it to those prostitutes. Zeus help me.
HOW TO BE A PROFESSIONAL B’HO’SS LIKE A BOSS
1. Be tech savvy: You know this is 2012 right? You know this is the fucking 21st century right? Businesses have e-volved yo! You have to be able to eliminate competition. Sit down there when there are already robot prostitutes in New Zealand. The least you can do is open a social media site account. You are there on the road screaming “sweeeeet guy”, your mates are on Badoo® running things. There’s Facebook® and there’s Twitter® and there’s even 2go ®. All those babes that have usernames such as sexy ass chick, pweety berry, cutie_horny, Ogochukwu_mwah, pweety baby-boo, sexy2love, coco pie, sugar_berry, cherrypieeeeee, pink Barbie, babybop4luv, etc… Yup, hos! Niggaz go check on your girlfriends, if they have at any point in time or currently go by any of such monikers, you know nah… She’s a slut. 🙂
Do you know what the pic above is What? Calculator?! Mobile phone?! “walking-talking?” *sigh*
It’s a mobile POS machine. Sit down there and be dulling. Nigeria is soon going cashless and clients are gonna wanna pay with their debit/credit cards. All they need to do is to swipe their cards and your money is electronically wired to your “business account.” Think ahead of the game, this is 2012. You can even issue receipts this way and balance your account at the end of a f(w)orking period. The difference between Kimberley Kardashian and Kimoratu Kardashina is packaging. Repackage today.
2. Be Adventurous: By adventurous I don’t mean you should go and carry hiking materials and go into the bush or go mountain climbing o! You will just die for nada… Have you ever tried fisting? Don’t just lie down and spread your legs like a thanksgiving turkey ho! A nigga’s gonna get bored. Twist and turn like an hybrid of Shakira and Beyonce. Some people from this part of the world like to overdo things so let me warn you now, by twisting and turning don’t go and be wiggling your body like a worm dipped in salt! Niggaz will just think you want to turn into a snake and will just behead you straight. Some people will now say they used you for rituals. Do some tea-bagging, give complimentary blowjobs, do the swastika, summersault, levitate if you fucking have to! Just be extra’ho’rdinary. Be bad, be very bad like the biblical whore of Babylon.
3 Watch Spartacus.
4. Don’t cuddle: Like seriously, is your grandfather a camel?! When you finish doing the do, don’t be famzing yo! You have no business asking for a nigga phone number and shit… If he asks you, you have scored, but DO NOT attempt to even think of attempting to think of asking for his digits. In your line of business, no matter how good the “d” is, you cannot afford to fall in love. It’s too risky yo! Love leads to pregnancy and that’ll only make u an expired ho like Mariah Carey. Did you see that w’ho’man after she birthed? This is a “Ho no!” If the money is good or you feel you have seen maga and you want to open office on a nigga head, caress and treat the head like a king first okay? In short, refer to number 2 above.
5. Dress well: I keep saying it, don’t ever be caught dead wearing red/green/purple jeans. Only a few hos can pull this off. If you’re not in the ivy league of pr’ho’fessionals don’t try it. You’ll only come off looking skanky. When you get home, go into your wardrobe and set fire on your rainbow coloured jeans. All of you that wear dirty bum shorts on the road and in the clubs, God is watching you.
That’s all you get for free guys. You aren’t paying me for consultancy. If you want some extra advice you can DM me on twitter or something. Before I go though, one more thing… Watch Spartacus again. All three seasons, cram it; act it; live it. If not, what she said—–>
Ho bizness is serious bizness, don’t joke with me. By the way, the word ‘ho’ appears 37 times in this post.
My name is Larry Sushey, you know the rest.
June 7, 2012 at 1:36 pm
BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! LOOOOL. “Ogochukwu_mwah” 😦
Lanre whats wrong with you???
June 8, 2012 at 8:10 am
Nothing Didi. 😀
June 7, 2012 at 1:37 pm
“Do some tea-bagging, give complimentary blowjobs, do the swastika, summersault, levitate if you fucking have to!”
HAHAHA!!!! WHAT IS THIS????
Abeg oh! Don’t levitate oh! Abeg! Somebody will just kill you before your time!
Number 3 killed me!
Larry, you’re officially a fool. You know this right??
Someone should get you help. Please.
Also, you failed to tell us which of the ‘hoes’ you took home. Homeboy.
I remain Immortal.
-Terdoh.
June 8, 2012 at 8:08 am
Game recognise game partner!
June 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Lanre remains a problem. Sounds like u carried out a research for this. Change oh!
June 8, 2012 at 8:00 am
I research on all my posts. Boluxxxxxx_ (I dey suspect your handle o!)
June 7, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Ho
Hoo
Hooo
June 7, 2012 at 1:56 pm
LOOOOL! Nice, let us know what happens when u go back to share this stuff.
June 7, 2012 at 1:58 pm
what is the swastika?? educate a brother..hilarious as usual
June 8, 2012 at 8:07 am
Ha! Where do I start from? Just google kamasutra…
June 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Someone is taking this puhznal! Lmfao! Who hurt you? Oya come lemme pet your head. Kizz kizz.
June 7, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Hahahaha number 3 killed it for me. Nice one man
June 7, 2012 at 2:12 pm
Hans boy, why are you vexing na?
June 8, 2012 at 8:03 am
Who u calling hans nigga?!
June 7, 2012 at 2:24 pm
hilarious AF
June 7, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Oho! You forgot to add. “Post your nudes to get followers/friends (clients) on social networks”. 😀 funny post 🙂
June 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm
Hahahahaha. Kim is the ultimate ho that stays winning.
LMFAO @ hans boy!
June 7, 2012 at 3:38 pm
loool. Larry!!
June 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm
lol funny
June 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Oh(Ho) ? Hans boi ? What is wrong with t’ho’se niggers ? What happened to sending nude pics via DMs ?
June 7, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Robot hos..=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º=)) u dis Hans bobo u no well o…
Buh y didn’t u bring d hos in na…for like gv dem cake(if dat nyt was my birthday sha)
June 8, 2012 at 8:18 am
Your birthday was my first time there… I like that place so i went back o! You wannna give ashawo cake?
Na your boyfriend be hans bobo… mtcheeuw
June 7, 2012 at 5:21 pm
HOE HEM GEE
†☁RIP☁†
Hoe My Lawd. Warrissalldiiss. I tot ze sabbatical wood do u sum good.
Spartacus!!!!
You 4got 2 add granny’s favourite parable:
A man who wears a football jersey in the off-season is just a foolish as a man who keeps a condom on while cuddling… Pleas solve for x if your tryna find out how this correlates to the story… #thatisall
All hail King of Dust, my brother. ‘Larry Sush’
@jhymy swastika
June 7, 2012 at 7:09 pm
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I shall be taking this gospel to the streets. And I shall be paid in kind.
June 8, 2012 at 8:05 am
Make sure u don’t fork the ones in funny coloured bum shorts
June 7, 2012 at 10:43 pm
You are so not right for putting this up.. LOL
June 7, 2012 at 10:45 pm
LOOOOOL! You are not well oh. Hope you get rewarded for this information.
June 7, 2012 at 11:33 pm
“Ogochukwu_mwah”??? Lool!
So you are now a pr’ho’fessional consultant I see. Remaining to print complimentary fliers to share in zone 4
June 8, 2012 at 12:01 am
“Ogochukwu_mwah”??? Lool!
So you are now a pr’ho’fessional consultant I see. Remaining to print complimentary fliers to share in zone 4…
June 8, 2012 at 7:08 am
Hilarious as ever, a prostitute with P.O.S, that is plain genius
June 8, 2012 at 9:51 am
Bros u don dey madt! Very funny post. This should be a study material for them aristo babes
June 8, 2012 at 11:12 am
You are a troubled young man
June 8, 2012 at 6:09 pm
LMAOOOOO!!!! Lanre I need to call ur parents, this has gone out of hand 😦
June 8, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Biko what’s swastika?? Ogochukwu_muah? Seriously?! I kent with u man, I just kent.
June 8, 2012 at 7:52 pm
I think I have more suggestions for this w(h)ole matter. But, it comes at a fee, there’s no doubt the ho-dustry is losing its touch. Larry, we shall consult o(h)ver this issue at lenght pretty soon.
June 8, 2012 at 9:46 pm
LMAO! Love this! *taking notes*
June 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm
LOOOL!
No. 3 killed me. That was just the effing best!
*prints page, strolls over to Aminu Kanu crescent, distributes at N500 each*
June 12, 2012 at 10:47 pm
LMAO! Ogochukwu. That name kills hard ons before they even start! Unless she says its GeeGee Mwah.
This Spartacus you people talk about eh! I will watch one day and see! Im not watching to learn anything o. Ehen. ()
June 20, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Still laughing at “ogochukwu_mwah” and “forking”
🙂
June 24, 2012 at 2:20 am
so let me warn you now, by twisting and turning don’t go and be wiggling your body like a worm dipped in salt! Niggaz will just think you want to turn into a snake and will just behead you straight.
Hahahahahahahahahaha
August 30, 2012 at 8:24 am
This isn’t just research. This is veteran stuff.
Vote Larry for ‘Ho’rvnor!!!
September 30, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Hans, treat ♍ƺ like a king first. That’s t̲̣̣̥ђε̲̣ way boi.