April 2012


Hi guys, Sushey’s back. I wrote this sometime last year for a good friend of mine, Adaora. I’m kinda under so much pressure now so i’ll just put it up her for your reading pleasure. Hope you like it…. In fact you get choice? If you no like am, you can like to err… Pray about it. (I kid)

Plus, please read her blog. she hasn’t posted in a while but Sushey thinks it’s an awesome blog all the same. read her stuff here

Enjoy today’s post!

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Say what now?!

Considering the amount of gay men in the world and the frequency at which people world over are coming out the closet, isn’t it a little worrying that footballers and other sportsmen hardly come out the closet. Does this mean that there are no gay footballers in the English premier League for example? \

I remember the case of the first Black gay English footballer, Justin Fashanu (Nigerian by birth by the way) who decided to come out of the closet in 1990 in an interview with an English tabloid newspaper, The Sun. He got a lot of flack from the colleagues, fans and public commentators alike and was the constant butt of jokes jabbed at his sexuality. In March 1998, he was accused of sexually assaulting a 17 year old boy in Maryland, USA. He returned to London and on the 2nd of May the same year and committed suicide in a London garage he had broken into. His suicide note read thus: “I realised that I had already been presumed guilty. I do not want to give any more embarrassment to my friends and family.”

Did I mention that Justin was the first Black English footballer to command a 1 million Pound transfer fee?

“WHAT A WEIIST!”

Justin, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why we do not have openly gay men in the sport in England. I can authoritatively reveal to that you there are gay men in the EPL. They are just waiting to retire before they come out of the closet. I know because there are signs that they exist. They give us subliminal messages in every training session and every match. You’ve just gotta open your eyes and see the light.

I have proof.

Soccer first… Football was invented by gay men. Imagine the following scenario:

In 1863, two gay Englishmen sit on a bench in a London park and go: “Let’s start a game which women cannot play. We’ll call it football. We will put 22 scantily clad men in a very large field of green grass and their aim will be to run around kicking the ‘ball(s)’ till they ‘score’ in their opponents goal post.” Remember how short and tight the old soccer jerseys used to be? There you go. Soccer was originally meant to entertain the homosexual man. I said earlier that the signs are there, you’ve just got to smell the coffee. They jump on top of each other all in the name of celebrating goals scored and trophies won and use the opportunity to touch themselves. I am not kidding, it is the truth. They even send out old men to look for young recruits every summer to replenish their gay supply. Why do you think they get paid such high fees? You think it’s just to kick a round leather ball around a patch of green grass for 90 minutes? Think again amigos.

Evidence that soccer is a queer sport

Next up is American football!

With suggestive team names like ‘The Rams’, ‘The Steelers’, ‘The Oilers’ and ‘The Packers’. It’s not too difficult to infer that this is a homosexually inclined sport. What about the concept of the game. Again, it’s a game women don’t play often. The object of the game is to run after and grab a very highly muscled man clutching unto a ‘ball’, wrestle him to the ground and then jump on top of him. All other team mates now jump on top of him too. They only stop when another man in a gay looking fashionable black and white outfit blows a whistle and says they have just ‘scored’. I almost forgot to add, that to play this game you have to be very muscular and fit and then they force you to wear tight fitting brightly coloured uniforms. A quarter back throws the ‘ball’ to the ‘wide receiver’. ..I mean, this sport just screams ~YesHomo!

It's not always about the tackles and the runs...

Alright what about boxing?

Two shirtless muscular men are clad in ‘silk’ shorts and ‘shiny shoes’ decide to clubber themselves into submission to win a belt. A f*cking belt and a purse! Some of the silk shorts are shiny and look half the time like circus outfits.

Wrestling is even worse!!!

The WWE should be the official television program for gay porn stars. I mean how much closer to gay porn can you get? These ones show muscular-buff-mean-thug looking men who have obviously oiled their skins like porn stars in nothing but their briefs acting like they are fighting each other. What riles me is that this act of stupidity excites their gay audience and they call it entertainment. Newsflash: We know you don’t really beat each other, your acting skills suck!

You know the icing on the cake? The stuff that confirms the absolute gayness of the sport is that again, they pretend to be fighting for a bloody shiny belt!!!

Wrestling is the gayest of all sports.

You hear so many gay names like: Tony Atlas, Mike Awesome, Gold dust, Johnny Grunge, (Bodacious) Bob “Spark Plug” Holly, (Badd Ass) Billy Gunn, Grandmaster Sexay, The Honky Tonk Man, Quick Draw Rick McGraw, Scotty 2 Hotty, Knuckleball Schwartz, Samba Simba, etc.

I could go on with the names and I’d have written five thousand words in this post but I’m sure by now you get the drift. There’s this particular wrestler who even got a boner in the ring. He probably forgot to ‘strap’ his tool in the dressing room before going into the ring.

His name?... IRON SHEIK. :I

There are other sports like basketball where they play to win a ring and lawn tennis where they keep grunting like pigs on heat. Sad thing is that with all of these games, the females are in on it too. I am sure that wasn’t the intention of the inventors of these games but women have creeped in to take a place in the grand scheme of things. It’s a gay gay world we live in I tell ya!

N.B I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t add this bit. Ladies, notice how they designed these sports too last so long? It’s so that men will be so occupied watching these games for so long that girlfriends and wives will get pissed off every time it’s played and will eventually leave their men. That way the Homos have a larger supply of single men to choose from. True story people, I read the script. Please use the comment box to state your views.

*Break dances into the sunset*

My name is Larry Sushey and I am immortal.

Sharrap! I know you have missed me and there’s nothing you can say/do to convince me otherwise. Thou shalt not (˘̯˘ )!
I’ve been so busy with life so much so that I haven’t had time for blogosphere. So when I had a lil’ chat with Tola and she offered to write on here, I jumped on the opportunity like a copper coin on magnet. She writes about shoes. Something that has been on my mind for a bit now… Enjoy!

N.B- Takalmi is Hausa for shoes (I think)
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“There are two kinds of people in this world, my friend; the kind that notice the shoes first and the kind that don’t.” Wise words from Tuco Ramirez (of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly – directed by Firdausi – fame). Today, we are going to talk about shoes; the stiff outer covering for feet. I really don’t know where to start from so I’m going to do what I do best – write nonsense and hope you find the sense and discard the non.
So we are going to start with what shoes are made of. Leather, wood, canvas, rubber, plastic and other petrochemical-derived materials (for more details please go to Wikipedia.com) are materials that are involved in the shoe making process. This post is supposed to be about my take on shoes, so I’m going to select a few types.
Men have no problem when it comes to shoes (or most things in life); most of their shoes are comfortable (or so they look). What, you have your pams, toms, vans, loafers, plimsoles, what else? Bottom line, you guys are happy with your choice of footwear. I really don’t have anything to say under this sub-topic. If you are guy and you want an in-depth write up on this, this is the wrong post.

LADIES!!!! Yes! Wassup y’all. :D. ok, so I’m not really a girly girl, I wear mostly sandals and I just started wearing shoes at the beginning of this session (October). When the Great Massasushey chose this topic, I was perplexed as to what exactly I would write but I am the Queen of Freestyling (among other things, Subs included). I’m going to start with sandals. I absolutely loooove them; comfortable, pretty, lets your feet breathe, comfortable, doesn’t require much space to pack in a bag, comfortable, FLAT(very important to me), easy to put on (unless u buy the ones with annoying straps), comfortable… what else, comfortable, comfortable… and oh, comfortable.
Peep-toe shoes; in my opinion, the toes that are peeping out are more hurt than those minding their business (this further illustrates that aproko is bad). And some people ‘with toes like pincers’ refuse to spare us and wear this kind of shoes. Like seriously? The only reason I can think of for wearing a peep-toe is maybe because you want to seduce those with toe fetish(es), you know, the mini skirt effect… I can’t even wear my pair if I don’t have nail polish on (yes dear, I have a pair). To cut this story short, your toes shouldn’t be peeping if they are not pretty; and please don’t tell me you are proud of your toes, no one is proud of ugly (and if you are, I’m praying for you right here).

Heels!!! Oh Lord, I still haven’t been able to adjust to this kind. You can call me a failed woman if you want to. Omo, that thing no easy jo! I can’t even wear it for three straight hours (church). My mother says with time, it’ll come to me; it’s not coming. Some of my ‘friends’ have asked me what I’ll wear on my wedding day (assuming I’m going to get married – anyway, refer to the fourth paragraph). They say heels complement an outfit, I say there’s an alternative to everything (ask our dearest muslim brethren, they came up with shisha among other stuff). Besides, I can look just as good in my darling flats. Since I have never won a comfortable pair of heels, I have concluded that heels are worn either by stoics or masochists. I will end here.

Actually, I will NOT end there. I heard platforms are the most comfortable and stilettos are the least. Why would I even want to wear anything named after a dagger? (but I can wear stuff named after a type of fighter sha). Some women are blessed with the gift of wearing heels sha… Lady Gaga for example, that woman is just… she makes it look so easy! With those funny looking stuff she wears *sign of the cross*. You don’t want to be like Onika Maraj; ever notice how she has to hold somebody anytime she’s in heels? Like seriously, it’s not by force. If I had that much money, I’ll have Giuseppe make me a pair of looooovely flats; custom made and all.
This is officially the end of this post.

I’ve always wanted to be a Sushey and now that I’m on a Sushey’s blog, I can’t help but feel elated. Er… I’m also a feature blogger so you can contact me if you want me to write something for you, you have to come up with a topic though. I would like to thank my sis for editing this, me for writing this, Siobhan (I just came up with this name for my laptop, I really wanna be a cool kid) for not shutting down suddenly and deleting all this work, you for reading this, Massasushey for posting this; and anyother person/thing that has made this post possible.
Dear Susheys, I reside in Abuja and it would be an honour if I am made part of your family (one would think that knowing Teni ‘personally’ would make this easier).
And let’s not forget, people, the Firdausi Fone Fund. Please make this #TeamForeverAlone member happy by donating to the cause of the purchase of a pink Samsung Galaxy Note.

Thank you and God bless.
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Boys have ugly shoes too babe! Didn’t you read “The Last Mohican?” That was the 2nd post ever on this blog I think…
Anyway, much ado about shoes. Use the comment section to share your experiences on any ‘shoe’ experiences.

Plus, do y’all think Tola should be a Sushey?! 😀 =D. Contact her on twitter; @Phydaursi.

Immortal Larry Sushey.