Pastor says: "Smile. All is well..."

Here goes my first joke of the year: Who cracks an April fool’s joke in January?

That’s right Ebele…

Or well, that’s what we thought until we found out it wasn’t a joke and he found out we are no fools. The subsequent strike actions, social commentary and even further subsequent reduction of the fuel price to 97 bucks are enough attestation to these facts.

A lot has been said here and there about the recent activities in our dear Nigeria.

However much has been said though, it’s not enough.  After all, i haven’t said my own. Before you go gung-ho, seen-it-all, been there, done that on my ass you can like to swallow a patience pill, I hear it brings good-luck.

Not a lot of people  have talked about the real reasons why all of these activities went down. I for one think it is divine. I mean, what better time for such an uprising to come up than the year when the world ends? Yes folks, the world ends this year just in case you didn’t know yet. Look at the activities late last year in the European Union, the Arab spring, Speed Darlington, Boko Haram’s sudden courage and more recently the SOPA and PIPA threats to shut down the internet and tell me it’s not real. It’s the Iluminati. Thank me later.

Anyway, as to the real reasons why Ebele decided to inflict suffering on his people, there are different theories. Please take note that what you are about to read is very privileged information and you should count yourself lucky to have come across this piece. Note that most all of these pieces of information were culled from beer parlour gist and if you have enough experience with beer parlours, you will know that you never take beer parlour gist with a pinch of salt. Again i say, thank me later.

One man after three bottles of Gulder, half a packet of cigarettes and whatever type of weed he had smoked before coming in said Ebele is trying to break Nigeria into two. He postulated that Ebele is the head of Boko Haram. He also said that he increased the price of petroleum products (PMS) so that the protests would provide an ample opportunity for him to send his Boko boys to bomb and kill innocent Nigerians hence creating an heightened state of fear among citizens and then use Boko Haram to send Christians back to the south. According to this bros,

All is a plan work, they want Nigeria to scatter so that they can have all the oil to themself”.

This man, whose name i later found out to be Bitrus hails from Plateau state. He felt so sad and prayed to God that Kogi would accept him and his family since his wife hails from the Yoruba speaking parts of the state. He wanted to be with the south; after all he is a Christian. My take on Bitrus’ assertions is that much of it is just a load of hogwash!

I mean look at Ebele’s face.

Naah...he can't be that much of a genius

The guy no bright enough to think out that kind ingenious plan. I mean he can’t even read a damn speech without looking like a fake Kanayo O. Kanayo…

Spot the original

Look let me tell you suntin, said the Igbo man sitting in the corner sipping on some Star lager while waiting for his plate of akpu. “How can you insult the playsidaint like dat? He is not a tellolist. The Hausa and Yoluba cabal is too much in dis contray. All d people in our side where they drill the oyel doesn’t have money to feed and enjoy awaseff. (Notice famzing with the South-South?)  I support what the playsidaint is doing o! Let the money change hand so that we will form the new cabal in dis contrayy, after all it is awa oyel. Let us chop the money and let the rest of dem suffa so that there will be equirriblium”.

At this point i interjected and reminded him that he is actually Ibo and not from the south south as he was making other people to believe and that it would be wrong to take from Peter and give to Paul as he supported the subsidy removal for all the wrong reasons. He cut me short by saying he was from Abia state and that his state is an oil producing state. I bowed out tongue in cheek. (I am a trained petrophysicist and i didn’t know that…)

Bitrus muttered some unprintable stuff under his breath. The Ibo man shot him a fiery eyed glance. In my mind i was thinking: ‘correct! E don set….’

Then the gentleman in the suit, sipping on peppersoup and a bottle of malt spoke. He politely apologized for butting in on the discussion but couldn’t help but comment. He thought the problem was NOI, our honourable minister of finance. He said that other African countries had only recently removed subsidies and that all of that money was going to be stored in foreign accounts to help the ailing Euro and failing economies of Greece, Italy and Spain recover from their respective recessions. (I didn’t even know Spain was in trouble) He went on to say amongst other stuff, that Ngozi was an agent of the IMF and that he has lost all respect for her. This had me thinking for a minute and then i reminded him that the minister was actually a staff of the World Bank and not the IMF and then he said:

Bros, i say see throat, you say see neck. Wetin be the difference?

Seriously? See the evil grin?

Once again, i went tongue in cheek. Could it be true? He’s got quite a point you know…

At this point, Segun the bar tender strolled by and i ordered my bottle of Guinness extra stout. I sighted Banky Sushey alight from his car and walk towards me. “Sege, add one Harp to the stout for my guy abeg.” I then asked him what he felt about the whole subsidy removal issue and he yimued so furiously that girl with the big nose would’ve gone green with envy//

Oga, i no know o!.. he retorted as he walked away with a frown the size of Australia on his pimple ridden face.

At this point, the Igbo man was hungrily munching on his Akpu and Bitrus had moved over to the suited guy’s table. They were deeply engrossed in an argument, something about Osama Bin Laden.

A lot of other theories were postulated that fine evening. Some people said the Federal Government was trying to recoup the money spent during the general elections last year, a few others believed that Ebele should be given a chance to at least prove us wrong even though they didn’t totally trust him because of his advisers and cronies.

Anyway, I believe that however ludicrous these theories are, there has got to be an element of truth in every single one of them. Could the government and/or its officials be actively/passively involved in the recent religious bombings that have plagued the Nation? Is it possible that the IMF plans on using African money to bail out the ailing European economies? Some sort of Neo-colonialism perhaps.  Maybe we’ll soon see a new generation of South eastern and South southern billionaires. Heck, maybe Ebele’s all sincere and everything’s gonna be just fine as he as he has promised.

Maybe, maybe…. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Sincere condolences to everyone that has lost family and friends in Kano and during the whole struggle. May God bless their souls. My pastor says, Nigeria will survive and i believe him.

God bless Nigeria.

Still immortal,

Larry Sushey.