Great Child

Great Child

There will be seven. Seven of you will extrebolate from my loins. 1 boy and six girls. Let me tell you a little something about your father. I like women. Your grandfather Afolabi Akunamatata Sushey was a womaniser. In our clan, I have always been looked at as the odd one. Well at least I see myself as different from the other Susheys. I mean take a look at my siblings… from Johnnie to Frankie, my brothers have taken all the flirtatious chromosomes from his gene pool and left me with chaff. That is why I am good people. I will therefore have only one wife. One wife at a time I mean. Nothing, not even death (to your mother(s) of course) can stop this here Larry from having you seven rugrats.

Good news or bad news first. Let’s start with the bad shall we? My children, forget about inheriting any of my property because I will never die. I am sure you know what immortal means. Therefore, I am sure the only way you’ll get to read this letter is if I decide to show it to you. You know, just to prove a point at some point in the future.

*chuckles*

Now to the good news. My son, you shall be first and you shall be called ‘Anonymous’. No surname no nothing. You shall simply be referred to as Anonymous. I know your friends might laugh at you and call you all sorts but you are a Sushey and nothing can get under that skin of ours. Look on the bright side son! You can get away with anything nigga; from plagiarism to murder.” Whodunnit? Anonymous”.
Thank me later.
You will also be an international soccer star. If you decide to play for Chelsea, you will be replaced. Your primary assignment will be to protect your sisters and you will be great at it.

Now to my daughters. Thomas, Gbolahon, Xerxes, Vladimirina, Larry and Copernicus. Yes I have reasons for choosing such uniquely beautiful names for all of you. Well, all apart from Thomas, I just like the way Thomas sounds. I have given you a voltron as a brother. He should be able to get away with anything so I foresee no problems in that department. I have the six of you because I like women. You lot are a joy/beauty to behold and also a worthy investment. Your bride price(s) will break world records, I promise you this.

At least three of you must marry Chinese men. Those midgets from the East have put in motion their grand plan of taking over the world yo! Did you know that it is now compulsory for all Chinese to learn the English Language? Imagine one billion look-alikes speaking fluent English effortlessly. They’ll infiltrate every country and it’ll only be a matter of time before they become the world’s elite. Plus they have small ‘kinis’ and that should help reduce wear and tear of the… *mumbles some gibberish and cracks knuckles*

I will make you a few promises. You will never regret having me as a father. If you try to be naughty be rest assured that I will whoop your ass and you will like it. When you are born and I see signs that this one is going to be stubborn, I swear to Zeus the first language you understand will be that of the koboko. Three pronged with detachable spiked balls at the end. I will flog the demons out of your destiny. Don’t worry, #ewinorpainyou.

None of you will be gay. I bet my immortality on it. My koboko guarantees it. I mean let’s think about it. A homosexual man would rather be with a man who acts like a woman than with a real woman. A lesbian doesn’t like boys but will prefer to sexplore with a tom-boy. No offspring of mine will be involved in such acts. I promise to give you the best of education and that means you will not school in Nigeria. I mean even if they brought Havard to Calabar, you will school abroad. There’s something about this Nigerian sun… All of you must speak at least three languages. Of those three, I demand that English and Chinese be paramount. I am only trying to secure your future, any other language you choose to add is not my concern.

I know you thunk I was gonna give you advice and some bull crap rule book to live by like all the other mortal parents yeah? That shit’s for cunt muppets and weaklings yo! In life there are no rules, just make sure you live your life like good people cos karma is one helluva bisexual bitch and she’ll fuck you up seven ways from Sunday.

I leave you with these few words though: “Life’s a bitch, so fuck it!” I mean nak that akpako so hard the echoes reverberate all through the underworld and beyond the entire Universe. You know, Something like what Thor’s hammer could do. Just be good people and all will be fine. I’ll be chilling in the Mongolian mountains with my monk friends… If you deviate from these predictions of mine, remember I will still have my koboko and if that doesn’t work, you will be replaced.

I remain immortal.

Larry Sushey.