Brain on a platter

Hello there. It’s your boy again and i’m here once again to speak my mind. You know, take you through the dark recesses of my manly mind. Call me chauvinist, i don’t care. All i do is yimz yimz yimz no matter what!

First of all let me apologise just in case my non – Nigerian readers cannot follow this. I promise to put up a post my Nigerian readers won’t understand just so we get even. If you are a Nigerian in diasporra and you don’ t feel carried along, use your church mind. Naija no dey carry last unless of course you’r e just stupid. :p 

About a week ago, there was this crase on BBM (blackberry messenger) encouraging people to change their display pictures to a certain yellow ribbon and hence help to prevent breast cancer or something of the sort.

Really? Cool story bruv, cool story.

I change my dp to a yellow ribbon and i have helped prevent Nkiru from getting breast cancer. *insert blank stare*  Whaever happened to doing real stuff like spending real time and money to ensure that more research is carried out on the subject matter? Anyway, cancer doesn’t really bother me as much as some other life threatening disease like body odour so i started a campaign of my own. I went on twitter to announce to the twitterverse that to help stop/prevent body odour we should all change our avatars to green ribbons. For thoose of you that heeded to the call, God will make you smarter o! Just close your twitter account and stay restriced to social network sites like Baddoo. Even Hi5 isn’t good enough for you.

I spent hours at the NEPA office the other day trying to buy the electriciy recharge card and all i can say is body odour is a serious disease. An epidemic scale calamity i tell you.

Cool story, bruv. Cool story.

Yellow for cancer, green for body odour. Make a choose.

If you don’t believe me visit a NEPA office or police station near you.

Also yesterday, BBM went crazy once again. What with so many females changing their statuses to some sorta stupid code. You know those secret messages  they send to only females and warn them not to tell any males and threaten the snitches with death sentences for crimes against womanhood.

Blackberry users must’ve noticed stuff like : “I’m 2 weeks and i crave skittles” or “I am 16 weeks and i crave ice cream“.

Well i have proof that that message was started by BOYS. Yes… Sons of Adam.

*insert cc @Beyonce: Who run the world? Girls. Who run the girls? BOYS.*

So for all the beautiful females who changed their statuses yesterday, just hide ya head in ya pant.

Cool story, bruv. Cool story.

FYI, here’s the said message:

“Ladies!!! We’re here again!!! The idea this time is to choose the month You were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around.DO NOT tell any males what the status’ mean,keep them guessing! The last one about the bra went round the world.

So you’ll write… I’m (your birth month) weeks and I’m craving (your birth date) !!! as your status :p

Example: Feb 14th= I’m 2 weeks and craving Chocolate mints!! 😉

January-1week
February-2weeks
March-3weeks
April-4weeks
May-6weeks
June-8weeks
July-10weeks
August-12weeks
September-13weeks
October-14weeks
November-16weeks
December-18weeks

Days of the month:

1- Skittles
2- Starburst
3- Kit-Kat
4- M&M’s
5- Tomatoes
6- Ice Cream
7- Dairy Milk
8- Lollipop
9- Peanut Butter Cups
10- Meat Balls
11- Twizzlers
12- Bubble Gum
13- Hershey’s Kisses
14- Chocolate Mints
15- Twix
16- Cheese
17- Fudge
18- Cherry Jello
19- Bananas
20- Pickles
21- Chicken Wings
22- Chocolate Chips
23- Gummy Bears
24- Gummy Worms
25- Strawberry Pop Tarts
26- Starburst
27- Mini Eggs
28- Kit-Kat Chunkie
29- Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies
30- Smarties
31- Chocolate Cake
Broadcast this to all ur female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year 😉

I did my part… So now its YOUR turn!

Don’t forget to leave the guys out. Only send to the ladies on ur bbm. 😉 :D. Keep it going round.”

Wondering how i know this was sent by a man? Just inspect the said message closely and you’ ll see man written all over it. Notice how all the cravings are some form of candy, chocolate or cake and all of that stuff women like. Yes? No!

Pay attention to #5. Tomatoes. Right in between M&M’s and Ice cream the man folk managed to sneak tomato unto their cravings list just to make fun of them and they didn’ t notice. Like seriously, bitches crave tomatoes? That’s like Fela Anikulapo Kuti craving for shawarma. A wman would never put tomatoes on this list. NEVER.

Notice the difference?

BUHAHAHAHA!!!

Sweethearts, have you hidden ya head in ya pant yet?

Here’s further proof. #10 on the list is ‘meat balls’ If you dont get the irony of these two magical words on that list, join them and hide ya head too. This awesome man then went ahead to addbananas’ at #19 and then ‘chicken wings’ at #21 just for effects. Ladies, you just love bananas don’ t you?

Cool story, bruv. Cool story.

NB: No women were hurt in the production of this document. All voltrons can kiss my meat balls and don’t worry they’re very huge. As huge as basket balls so there’s enough to go round and finally, this is not my coming out he closet post. I am NOT a chauvinist.

I am Larry Sushey.

Pickles… Buhahahahahahahahaha!!! #20