September 2011


Today’s post is written by one of my favourite bloggers. The uber talented @xoAFRO and you can hear the sound of him and @uberbetty‘s juju gong beat here. Jazzman and woman…

This post starts with a proverb from another wise man.

Sinister Savant

“The difference between a villain and a criminal is in the art of it” – The Sinister Savant.

Allow me introduce myself. I am not Hov. I am The Sinister Savant and I am a consultant.

Not your usual type of consultant oh! I actually offer my advisory services to villains a.k.a bad goiz… *Doom Doom Doom* bosses… *Rozay Grunt* and the usual unpopular crowd of evil-dom. My practice has been very successful so far and I have a very impressive resume. This is why Sinister Savant and Sons has a very impressive office in the conspicuously beautiful UBA building, Broad street, Lagos. Of course, on a reserved floor not accessible by the general elevator.

You cannot find me if you are not a ‘bad goiz’, you can only come recommended; we of the underworld only do business with our kind because of the attending risks. Come calling with a reference letter from any of our previous clients of respected name, maybe The Green Goblin, or Lex Luthor, or Mojo Jojo, or Joker or OJ Simpson or Dick Dastardly or Magneto or Shredder or Terry G’s hairdresser or the Pinky/Brain duo (preferably signed by Brain) or Dr. Octopus or TopCat or Scar or Patience Ozokwor or Akuu or IBB or McWolf or Darth Vader or M. Bison or Michael Jackson’s doctor or Wile E Coyote or Samedy Sam or Qaddaffi or Jigsaw or Sheep in The Big City’s General Specific or Major Minor or the rich Russian guy sponsoring Vic O, AfroCandy and Speed Darlington music.

Our Clientele...

I only fux with evil minds.

I’m sure you’ve noticed something and you’re itching to say it. Cool down. Mesef, I know. Despite my superb consultancy services, most of these villains are celebrity failures. I would explain this but first you must understand that the business of ruining lives and taking over the world on a grand scale is very difficile. That is not even the major problem, I would have you know that these villains don’t take all my advice into account after paying such heavy funds for it. As lon as they fail, we’re still in business.

Seriously, how does one lose a showdown with The Kids Next Door or Hong Kong Phooey? It couldn’t be that difficile for an adult to defeat a bunch of kids armed with contraptions filled with toothpaste and held together by bubble gum and yet, adults stay losing. As a matter of principle, if you lose to Hong Kong Phooey, you won’t be allowed back in my office. You mean to tell me that you cannot overpower a stupid dog that reads a Kung-fu book in the exact moment that he’s supposed to fight you and then when he tries out his new knowledge, his flying kick takes him out the window? Why not just shoot the bitch as h reads?!

If you lose to the Indomitables, please commit suicide. Indomie children are weak children.

One annoying deviation from the plan that these villains make is The Tirade. The Tirade is a long, winding speech that these baddies like to give after gaining a temporary victory. I’ve repeatedly told great orators like Akuu that it’s not practical and he always complains that it’s necessary, so we schedule for a 10-second speech in the plan and then he takes three full minutes to talk rubbish. Of course, you know what happens. I’ve told him that criminals should stick to the plan. I have never seen an armed robber giving a two-minute speech before/after a successful heist on how he’s been planning the gig for ten months and how the society never appreciated him and his victory is payback?  Fucking Tirades!

Former client Tuco showing how to shoot and not talk.

Sponsors’ SIDE NOTE:

Err… for your entrances and Tirades, we sell background music (Pharrell classics and contemporary as used by evil MegaMind, Modified Mozart and Bach pieces, Patience Ozokwor Ibo poison music, Saheed Osupa Yoruba armed robber music, dibia flute music, babalawo Yoruba soprano music, Nollywood Night FX, teleportation and flying juju FX ++)

Now I daresay that the most annoying villain I’ve ever worked with is this ape right here:

Mojo Jojo

A monkey with an oversized brain,  you will agree with me that he should have taken over the world long ago. I honestly don’t think he wants to though, I think that he just does it for the incest and the S&M, so that the PowerPuff girls come to touch him. I bet he gets a hard on from the beating!

Seriously! Brother Mojo cannot outsmart three girls in Kindergarten who should be his kid sisters? Puh-lease! Let us take a look at the perv’s name. Mojo? Jojo? Professor X named him Jojo after listening to KC and Jojo’s Crazy. He also sent Jojo to Kings College for the pun of it. The rascals there introduced Jojo to pornography and that’s how he became Mojo Jojo. One day, as he was looking through his favorite edition of Monkey Sluts, he got so hammy that he forgot himself and whipped wood out in class for a quick polishing. Of course the teacher discovered him and he got expelled. Professor X was scared for his girls so he sent Jojo away from home.

But it was too late, Jojo had already corrupted the girls. Their nicknames? Blossom? Bubbles? Buttercup? They are stripper names from Monkey Sluts. (The real names of the girls are Funke, Halimot and Tolani) and Jojo was already molesting the girls in a game of Monkey-See-Monkey-Do, a sort of do-as-I-do for apes. They also played Mummy and Daddy and Change-Your-Style and After-Round-One and a lot of other perverted versions of innocent children’s games. T

Some S&M right there...

*Sips universal solvent*

When Professor X sent Jojo away, he was sad that he wouldn’t see the girls again so anytime he’s pretending like he wants to take over the world, he just wants to see the girls for a good dose of violent loving. See how he’s always naked after they’re done with him? See?

Another clue is that whenever the girls battle real monsters, they throw them out of the city but they’ve never done that to Mojo. They just do him in and leave him on the street. Did you ever watch the episode that he tied the three girls up in his evil lair? Need I say more? Incest? S&M?

I’m only doing business with that fake nucca because the money is good. All the ACME stuff he buys from me? Especially after a fresh defeat? Le Sigh.

Another Sponsors’ SIDE NOTE:

Err… We sell original ACME products and spare parts ( all purpose traps; TNT; knockouts; juju; contraptions we do not understand hence we cannot name; DIY kits; shovels that help you dig a massive hole in 3 seconds; poisons; smoke bombs; hacker PCs; Super Computers for your hideouts, Satellites; lasers; all sorts of rays for mind control, human polymorphism and hypnosis; manuals ++. We also give discounts if you purchase more than three super machines in one month)

Thing is I’m tired of all these fake villains who aren’t really serious about what they do but I have a plan. When I make enough money from their loser asses, I plan to take over the world!

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Yet another sponsors’ SIDE NOTE:

Err… We sell all sorts of villainy costumes for your very good bad guy impressions (We have spandex but it’s not in fashion anymore but we can outfit you in glossy, metallic looking costumes; capes; hats; boots; belts; goggles; arm and leg bands; masks; chrome wear; assortments of denim; stretch wear; costumes with killer gadgets; and all those unnecessary accessories ++ all with your custom logo which our in-house graphic artist can also design for a fee if you don’t already have one)

The Sinister Savant.

Bignuts Ironbender

Bignuts Ironbender

The man above is my friend, Bignuts Ironbender and I know it’s no longer mid-summer. Today i shall be telling you a story. First let me put up a ‘claimer’ as it seems like it has started trending in blogsville.

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This is a true cool story. All characters are non-fictional and all names and resemblances to people dead or alive is intentional. In fact, they are spot on. I will be held liable for any brouhaha that emanates from reading this here post and I will not regret it. If you do not believe this story… Err… Okay.
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About a year ago, I was going to wrestle a bunch of chicks and snakes in some bar when this guy named Ironbender Bignuts walked in. When the bartender asked us what we were having, we both said “Old Fashioned” at the same time. We gave each other the nod, got back to back and proceeded to beat the shit out of every man, woman and child in the bar—in super slow motion. It was like we were in the Matrix movie. There were lots of kids in the bar and we beat them all up! Do not send me hate mail or comments like some spastic know-it-all dipshit, I don’t care what you know about which laws. We were in err… Sao tome and Principé, so your limp-dicked laws don’t apply. Kids drink in Sao tome.

One day, Iron Bignuts and I were setting off fireworks on a battleship. My battleship, when we got the idea to make a TV show for this Media coy called Dust TV. Now DTV (situated in Calabar) is a TV station owned by the ever vivacious political Igodomigodo himself, Mr. Patrick Agbariogbon. Popular for his audacious use of the Queens English Language, all their programmes followed his supreme pattern. We needed to dumb it down a little, but Pat would have none of it.

However after I threatened to verbally emasculate his political career by issuing disparaging statements of calumny, exposing the precocious handling of his bed wetting tendencies, (which he attributed assiduously to his new born offspring) he obliged. I know that Pat jr.’s genitals could not produce such voluminous quantities of saline human by- products. I ascribed to my knowledge of certain discrepancies within his mental faculty as he was @Terdoh’s floor mate on the leftside.
His real mannerisms were now being gradually exposed, for alas he had endeavoured to conceal such short-comings using verbal aristocracy and lingual xenophobia. Cool story, his goose was cooked and non- conformity would see me applying rodo and iru to the mix. I spoke to him like a boss. We are equals.

He was immediately convinced that they needed something badass to fill that gaping hole in their late night programming womb. Imagine a show like ‘Tyra’ or ‘Mo hits with Mo’ that men would watch. You can’t?

Exactly!

We wanted to make a show that banged your face with the dicks of our ideas! There are no celebrities, fashion designers and models to be seen on our show. Just hard working guys earning a honest living with a story to tell, like this badass guy I read about who makes less than a dollar a week and sold his kidney so that he could take care of his 6 wives and 26 and a half children (No 13 is a midget). Also, this harlot I used to know who was a medical student in one of the Nigerian universities and took to prostitution so that she could feed her aged mother and her 9 siblings. (Well, really because she liked dick but shh… Don’t loud it)

… Back to the cool story…

We set out to save modern television from going down as one of the womanliest epochs in history. Notice how apart from sports these days every other thing is so womanly? Death to all the reality shows and the like. Our treatment literally had the line:
“So you think you can dance? Fuck you.” IronBender actually preferred the opening line to be in Zulu even though he was Ugandan. He thought the language represented true African pride. Anyway, Patrick finally loved it. Two high-fives and six months later, shit started happening:

Nothing.

Literally, shit = nothing. Unless of course it is accompanied by a scent from hell or somewhere close by like @sheriphskills bowels, shit is nothing.
Here’s what happened: Ironbender died. Apparently, he was involved in a planking accident. I warned him not to plank at the top of the wooden electric pole on Tuesdays because it was a taboo in Sao tomé but he didn’t listen. The termites come out on Tuesdays and well let’s just say he was involved in an accident that involved a horde of soldier termites and scrotum balls.

I was distraught. Heck I still am but hey… Life goes on. I am thinking of starting this program again and I need a female co-presenter. That female must however bow to the supremacy and awesomeness of Man. I doubt I’ll find an educated female that’ll fit my bill anyway so maybe I’ll just settle for Bruno Mars.
Still thinking though…

Cool story bruv, cool story. 😐

Larry Sushey.

Brain on a platter

Hello there. It’s your boy again and i’m here once again to speak my mind. You know, take you through the dark recesses of my manly mind. Call me chauvinist, i don’t care. All i do is yimz yimz yimz no matter what!

First of all let me apologise just in case my non – Nigerian readers cannot follow this. I promise to put up a post my Nigerian readers won’t understand just so we get even. If you are a Nigerian in diasporra and you don’ t feel carried along, use your church mind. Naija no dey carry last unless of course you’r e just stupid. :p 

About a week ago, there was this crase on BBM (blackberry messenger) encouraging people to change their display pictures to a certain yellow ribbon and hence help to prevent breast cancer or something of the sort.

Really? Cool story bruv, cool story.

I change my dp to a yellow ribbon and i have helped prevent Nkiru from getting breast cancer. *insert blank stare*  Whaever happened to doing real stuff like spending real time and money to ensure that more research is carried out on the subject matter? Anyway, cancer doesn’t really bother me as much as some other life threatening disease like body odour so i started a campaign of my own. I went on twitter to announce to the twitterverse that to help stop/prevent body odour we should all change our avatars to green ribbons. For thoose of you that heeded to the call, God will make you smarter o! Just close your twitter account and stay restriced to social network sites like Baddoo. Even Hi5 isn’t good enough for you.

I spent hours at the NEPA office the other day trying to buy the electriciy recharge card and all i can say is body odour is a serious disease. An epidemic scale calamity i tell you.

Cool story, bruv. Cool story.

Yellow for cancer, green for body odour. Make a choose.

If you don’t believe me visit a NEPA office or police station near you.

Also yesterday, BBM went crazy once again. What with so many females changing their statuses to some sorta stupid code. You know those secret messages  they send to only females and warn them not to tell any males and threaten the snitches with death sentences for crimes against womanhood.

Blackberry users must’ve noticed stuff like : “I’m 2 weeks and i crave skittles” or “I am 16 weeks and i crave ice cream“.

Well i have proof that that message was started by BOYS. Yes… Sons of Adam.

*insert cc @Beyonce: Who run the world? Girls. Who run the girls? BOYS.*

So for all the beautiful females who changed their statuses yesterday, just hide ya head in ya pant.

Cool story, bruv. Cool story.

FYI, here’s the said message:

“Ladies!!! We’re here again!!! The idea this time is to choose the month You were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around.DO NOT tell any males what the status’ mean,keep them guessing! The last one about the bra went round the world.

So you’ll write… I’m (your birth month) weeks and I’m craving (your birth date) !!! as your status :p

Example: Feb 14th= I’m 2 weeks and craving Chocolate mints!! 😉

January-1week
February-2weeks
March-3weeks
April-4weeks
May-6weeks
June-8weeks
July-10weeks
August-12weeks
September-13weeks
October-14weeks
November-16weeks
December-18weeks

Days of the month:

1- Skittles
2- Starburst
3- Kit-Kat
4- M&M’s
5- Tomatoes
6- Ice Cream
7- Dairy Milk
8- Lollipop
9- Peanut Butter Cups
10- Meat Balls
11- Twizzlers
12- Bubble Gum
13- Hershey’s Kisses
14- Chocolate Mints
15- Twix
16- Cheese
17- Fudge
18- Cherry Jello
19- Bananas
20- Pickles
21- Chicken Wings
22- Chocolate Chips
23- Gummy Bears
24- Gummy Worms
25- Strawberry Pop Tarts
26- Starburst
27- Mini Eggs
28- Kit-Kat Chunkie
29- Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies
30- Smarties
31- Chocolate Cake
Broadcast this to all ur female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year 😉

I did my part… So now its YOUR turn!

Don’t forget to leave the guys out. Only send to the ladies on ur bbm. 😉 :D. Keep it going round.”

Wondering how i know this was sent by a man? Just inspect the said message closely and you’ ll see man written all over it. Notice how all the cravings are some form of candy, chocolate or cake and all of that stuff women like. Yes? No!

Pay attention to #5. Tomatoes. Right in between M&M’s and Ice cream the man folk managed to sneak tomato unto their cravings list just to make fun of them and they didn’ t notice. Like seriously, bitches crave tomatoes? That’s like Fela Anikulapo Kuti craving for shawarma. A wman would never put tomatoes on this list. NEVER.

Notice the difference?

BUHAHAHAHA!!!

Sweethearts, have you hidden ya head in ya pant yet?

Here’s further proof. #10 on the list is ‘meat balls’ If you dont get the irony of these two magical words on that list, join them and hide ya head too. This awesome man then went ahead to addbananas’ at #19 and then ‘chicken wings’ at #21 just for effects. Ladies, you just love bananas don’ t you?

Cool story, bruv. Cool story.

NB: No women were hurt in the production of this document. All voltrons can kiss my meat balls and don’t worry they’re very huge. As huge as basket balls so there’s enough to go round and finally, this is not my coming out he closet post. I am NOT a chauvinist.

I am Larry Sushey.

Pickles… Buhahahahahahahahaha!!! #20