Bum- bum.

 Now that’s a word I heard a lot this weekend, from my loud four year old nephew to grown men/ women who happened to be having a buttock touching orgy kind of thing at the pool on Sunday.

In my house these days, screams of “Mummy, come and clean my bum-bum” pervade the air. It’s almost like an anthem since they moved back to Abuja. Yesterday he screamed for minutes about how badly he needed to visit the white room and when he finally got there, he sat on the throne, and after about five minutes

* insert anthem—-> Mummmmy*

Mummy rushes over to do the needful and finds out that sonny hadn’t dropped any poop. Talk about a chronic case of pooformance anxiety… I would’ve inserted a picture of him doing it here but his mother is sure going to kill me even though i am immortal. Me i still wanna marry and father my own litter of rug rats so, i’d gladly pass. 

 So I thought about it, what sort of word is ‘bum-bum’ anyway?

A bum is a Brit slang with uncertain origins. It literally means the buttocks or anus. (I like that word, buttocks!) However, the word is thought to be rooted in 14th centuryEngland.  No matter how hard I tried looking for the word ‘bum-bum’ it seems to me that the word doesn’t really exist in formal English circles. It’s a Nigerian thing… You know, the way we like to repeat words in this country, mago – mago, wuru – wuru, beggy – beggy, copy – copy…e.t.c. Sha sha let’s go on…

Synonyms include ass, nyansh, butt, anus, bottom, rear, behind, backside, booka, tusshy, booty, buns, honeybuns, pooper, pooper – shooter, beau-tocks, bohine, boo-tay, rootie patootie, fanny, hiney, arse and my personal favourite…GLUTEUS MAXIMUS. The only reason I like the name is because it sounds so erotically large. You know something from the Spartacus series. Imagine an enraged Quintus Lentulus Batiatus chorusing:

“Words of dislike fall from their lips like cock falls from the grip of Gluteus Maximus”

Gluteus Maximusist a.k.a Angry Quintus

 I will blog about this later… *wide grin*

The sad reality however is that Gluteus Maximus is a biological term for the largest muscle in your nyansh. See picture below (with labeling). Afterall, this is an educative blog. *straight face*

The real Gluteus Maximus

 I researched about different types of ass and came up with very explicit descriptions of different types. Let’s just say i ditched the idea after going through and i have decided against doing that post. The types of nyansh I was seeing ehnn… All I can say is that this is not a porn site and we don’t do that here.

I am a good Christian in case you haven’t noticed. So I have decided to do it in my own way, the Sushey way.

Basically, there are eight (8) types of ass. I will try to explain them in short sentences and use pictures to illustrate. Pay attention!..

 LARRY SUSHEYS ASS CLASSIFICATION (2011)

1. Normal Ass: This is the most common type of ass out there. Nothing extraordinary, two butt cheeks, a straight line down the middle and a dot right down. Other sub classes are the applebottom, teardrop, pig tail, even flat ass sef. If you think all asses are normal, wait for the rest…

 

Normal ass

2.Tight ass: Otherwise known as stingy nyansh, this type of butt rarely gives anything away. Very secretive, they specialize in silent farts and can be very unpleasant to look at. In other words, they are ugly. I can assure you that 80% of all living Nigerians have seen one at least once in their lifetime.

Notice the similarities? Told you you'd seen one before!

 
 

3. Big ass: a.k.a African ass. These asses can carry a truck load of shit. In some african countries and other parts of the third world, it is a major mode of transportation and can also serve as a source of entertainment and food. I hear that in some countries the asses are even used to gain sexual pleasure. Sub categories include Assmau, Phillipe Massa, Fat –ass, etc

Left to right, Assmau & Fat ass

4.Rich ass: There are two categories of this kind. Some of them are really uncouth and fart loudly in public places while the other group is more laid back and civil. A common denominator however is that these asses sit on a truck load of cash and can even shake mountains when they fart. Be it silent or not. These asses are NOT to be fucked with *pun intended* unless your ass is  rich too or you are willing to kiss rich ass. You CANNOT fall in genuine love with this kind of ass.

 

Rich a$$

 
 
 

5.Bitch ass: These asses are very common in the Afro – American society although they are found world over. A very common category, they blend in everywhere.

Also known as snitch asses, they are usually very loud and talk a lot of shit! *again, pun intended* but when shit hits the fan and its about to get down, they scamper like the little cowards that they are. A bitch ass might come in different colours, sizes and shapes. I even heard that Paris Hilton  and Mariah Carey have both  got white ones. Beware of them because, there always is a bitch-ass near you.

 

Two bitch asses *pun intended*

6.Kiss my ass: I just had to add this category. This kind of ass just doesn’t give a shit… This ass will ‘fucks’ with the devil without batting an eyelid. Also known as bad-ass, whenever this ass has something to say you better listen because these asses do not repeat themselves. If you didn’t hear them the first time, I suggest you ask your mummy before they axe the poor woman for you. This is another category you do not want to fucks with. Ask Samuel Peter.

I couldn't put up the real pic cos i was threatened. Notice the axe?

7.Dumb ass: As the name suggests, these asses are dumb. This means that they cannot speak. Shhh, mute, dumb. No fart sounds, no neighs, nothing. As you must have predicted, they are also not very smart and I guess that’s why they don’t talk very much. Beware of this kind. “Dumb-ass nessity” is a very infectious condition and the only known cure is via spiritual means. They are the most dangerous and can transfer sexually transmitted diseases even by close association. Yes they are that blonde daft.

??? :s

8.Smart ass: Average IQ of 200. Never fart nor talk shit unnecessarily. Highly efficient and do not occupy much space on a bench. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are small, they are just smart. Most of them do not attend social events so as not to get fucked. In extreme cases they are usually virgins which is a good thing. My uncle had a smart ass once… He said his ass was so smart whenever he went “ashitting”, the ass cleaned  itself up. This ass was too smart to allow any of it’s pictures leak online so i just put up a pic of my uncle instead. Good ol’uncle Al…

 

Uncle Albert

 

 Ok, ok, that was quite exhausting. I pray that none of you here be a bith ass/snitch ass and go tell my mother and my pastor about this post because i am currently being considered for a deaconship title at church and the  dumbass choir master thinks he deserves it more than i do. *Don’t yimu!* I’m serious.

 I leave you with this list of short codes for the various types of asses described above. I know you will  find them useful. Anytime you wanna call anyone a ‘something ass’ on BBM, twitter, yahoo chat or any other social IM site  all you need to know is type the short codes and if they are half as smart as my uncle’s ass, they will get the message. See pic below:

Short codes for different ass types

 
Once again, My name is Larry Sushey and i am IMMORTAL.  #CASHYALAYRASS!!! 😀