June 2011


So much Iron!

Life as it is can be very funny.

Iron is a very important substance to our very existence.

According to dictionary.com, there are about thirty different contexts in which iron can be correctly defined. Click here if you are interested in the various meanings.

For the non biology enthusiasts, (for lack of a better word) Iron is a nutrient that is necessary for nearly all living things to function.

About 65 – 75 % of the body’s iron is found in the blood in the form of hemoglobin which is a major component of our red blood cells. In fact, hemoglobin happens to be the one component of blood that gives is it the characteristic red colour. So, in other words, if there was no iron, blood will probably be another colour.

Maybe pink, maroon or even blue… Talk about the blue bloods.

  • A lack of iron in the diet may result in the development of iron deficiency anemia.
  • The greatest need for iron is during growth or periods of blood loss. Women take note.

Iron is a very important part of our diet. We’ve got to have it and we cannot live with out it. Ironically, too much of it can be a bad thing for us. Iron in moderately high levels can even cause cirrhosis of the liver, diabetes, and congestive heart failure. So what is the difference between consuming large doses of alcohol and iron now? Unless of course that alcohol encourages iron absorption into the blood stream, I am at the same average risk of getting a heart attack or liver cirrhosis as the woman who has never taken alcohol in her life but consumes large doses of iron supplements every month.

The irony of life: ALL DIE NA DIE…

We consume this seemingly high level of iron in an effort to keep anemia away and then there are others who consume it because they believe iron increases their strength. Iron is also a poison when we consume too much. Research in the United States found that all those sweet tasting and colorful iron pills poison about 20,000 children a year, sometimes fatally and that Iron is the most frequent medication associated with pediatric poisoning deaths.

Let’s leave the U.S.A for a bit and come a little close home…. Another irony awaits.

Scene change: Mother Africa. * For this side we dey chop iron!* 😀 😀 😀

For example, members of the Bantu tribe in South Africa consume large quantities of an alcoholic beer that is brewed in iron pots. This beer contains 750 times more iron in it than American beer. Mkomboti I believe it is called…Rumors have it that some members of this tribe have been known to set off metal detectors at airports and other security check points. Talk about winning!

That’s some wolverine stunts right there… I want!

In Nigeria however, when we chop iron, we chop it in style. From childhood, majority of Nigerians do not even have a choice. From carrying heavy metal buckets and traveling long distances to fetch water to lifting heavy weights at make shift gyms at our backyards. Iron is being chopped in large amounts in Nigerian ghettos.

Chopping Iron from Childhood.

The irony of the situation in this case is that this doesn’t give you any of the previously mentioned sicknesses but can actually help to prevent the likelihood of getting them. This ‘ironisation’ method will also not enable you set off alarms at metal detectors world over which sucks really, but there you go… at least you end up having killer muscles and abs.

He is work in progress!

Plus, don’t think that this sort of iron chopping is indigenous to Nigeria o!

There is an American body building magazine also called the ironman magazine which promotes the iron chopping sport. Yes, there are professional iron choppers out there. Pro body builders they call themselves. I know, sick- sick world we live in but hey, if there are professional wrestlers, (the WWE kind) I guess the pro body builders have a point to do what they do. But kai…

Another irony is there is a real sport out there partaken by hardworking men and women (triathlon) and they gather once a year in the USA to compete in the Ironman U.S Championship. These are real athletes and I wonder how they do it. You swim for miles, then cycle more miles and then run a few more kilometers.

* Shrugs & shivers*. I will just die.

Shout out to the dry cleaners, washa men, abokis, gatemen, etc who iron press our clothes. I suck at ironing and really don’t wanna learn how to do it.

*Insert Kanye shrug*

Irony man.

As a side note, would you find it rather ironic that ironman is my 2nd favourite super hero? Only if Iron man knows how to iron will he beat Batman to second place.

P.S:

  1. There are 50 occurrences of the word iron in this post.
  2. Irony is actually pronounced: /A – yuh –nee/.
  3. If you have time to go and count the number of times iron occurs in this post you are jobless.
  4. If you don’t believe me, your face should be stamped with a hot iron.

Larry Sushey say so.

This was sent in by a very good friend of mine Tare. @Fluis10 on twitter.

It is an ode of some sort to a wonderful friend and a great guy who will be sorely missed by friends and acquaintances alike.

We woke up to very sad news this morning. News of the demise of someone very close to all of us.

Chuka Okeke.

"C for Chuka"

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It was 22:30 on Monday 20th June, 2011 when I got the call.

She was wailing, incoherent and inaudible. When I finally made out what she was saying I was sure she was confused, either that or she was joking; the wrong type of joke at the wrong time.

I made two other calls and then I knew it was true. Twenty minutes  later, I was in their house. The house where I had been a million times before. The house where he had lived for as long as I had known him, but surely as the news had come, he was not there.

A house where there had always been joy and laughter was cold; Life had literally been sucked out of it and death had encompassed the place. All you could hear was wailing.

Why will she not wail? She has lost a companion, a friend…a BROTHER!

As a man, you have to be strong at times like these, especially for the women. I saw my friend in an obviously dazed state. He probably got the news long before others, but it had obviously not hit him yet. Less than 24 hours before we had been talking; plans were being made to travel, to show support to our friend and his family at a joyous occasion. A wedding and now that trip will be pushed forward for all the wrong reasons.

My friend was receiving calls and seemed to be okay which seemed to torment others. Then he made a particular call and I saw him breakdown.  I saw the grief within him come out. To us he may have been a friend, but to him, he was a brother. They had grown up together and this was not how the story was to end.

Where was the celebration? Each, the  others best man at their respective weddings.

Where were the children and grand-children? A dream they had repeatedly shared with each other.

Why should he not grieve?

He had lost a companion, a friend…BROTHER! In short in his case, he had just lost an entire FUTURE!!!

In our human understanding we don’t know why. We fear to question GOD or to ask HIM why, but in our minds we think it.

We feel it could not possibly have been his time, not this one, not this guy.

So reliable, so humble and so down-to-earth. If you met him and didn’t like him, there was obviously something wrong with you.

From the house to the clubs, to the parks, to the gardens, the restaurants to the bukkas, Chicken republic or the corner shops in Gwarinpa, back to the house; he was real.

He was funny, loyal and honest.

Why will we not miss him? We have lost a good companion, a true friend and a loyal COMRADE!

Even in our grief, in our loss, we should remember his family.

Not us who may have surrounded him day-to-day especially during his time in Abuja or at UniJos. Not those on his BBM or the people following him on twitter.

I mean his immediate family.

The Okekes who brought him into this world. Who nurtured him and moulded him into the man that we all love so much. The ones who supported his dreams and aspirations with words and finances, the people he spent his last days with. We shall be grateful to GOD that he was able to spend those last days with them at such a wonderful occasion (His sister’s traditional marriage ceremony).

We seek GOD’s consolation upon their hearts and soul.

For they shall, grieve, they shall wail and they shall miss and why should they not?

They have lost a BROTHER, a SON and a bright FUTURE.

They deserve your prayers. Please say a silent prayer for them.

My friend Chuka Okeke is gone.

Gone to the flames of a burning vehicle. He was loved by many and will be missed by us all. I know he would want us to be happy, but there is no happiness in this. He has departed from us at a time we all feel is not the right time, but GOD alone knows the right time.

C for Chuka…Rest in Peace. “T for Tare” is definitely going to miss you…

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Side Note: Chuka did not die alone in this accident. He went along with his younger sister Uchenna, and three other occupants including the driver. Bright stars dimmed too early.

I remember when i first met him about seven years ago, I was encouraging him to help finish a bottle of Guiness because i was in a hurry and we wanted to go some place together. He politely declined. We went on to become good friends from then on. A very likeable character with such a bright future. This one didn’t deserve to die.

They say the good die young so they can get to Heaven early…

Rest in Peace friend.

R18

This post is rated 18 and may contain(s) explicit pictures and mature content. If you are below 18 years of age i suggest that you stop reading now because i do not want anybody to blame his/her future sexual misfortunes on an innocent Larry Sushey.

If you are one of those people who walk around with a ‘halo’ hovering above your head i also suggest that you let go of that piece of equipment for the next few minutes while you read this because my aim is that after you finish this post, you will let go of all gold circles and write me a thank you e-mail. If you cannot remove the halo, you can like to close this page.

A wise man once said, “If you have no sense of humour then you have no sense at all“. Actually, that wise man is yours truely…

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I was approached by a youth corper two days ago who insisted on talking to me about safe sex. *Imagine, talking to a Sushey about such issues…* I thought in my head, this should be interesting and i gave him a listening ear. By the time he was done with his first few lines i knew i was gonna take him to the cleaners on this one. He talked about safe sex being an effective method to prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies and proceeded by explaining the ABC procedure in order of effectiveness for ‘safe sex’.

‘A’: Abstinence

‘B’: Be faithful

‘C’: Condoms

First of all, these methods are not for safe sex. Rather, they are to minimise or prevent the spread of STDs and possibly prevent unwanted pregnancies. Afterall, Abstinence isn’t a safe sex method now is it? I noticed a loop hole in his jabber from the start and i was so gonna pounce on him like i am wont to. This post is based on our conversation and even though i don’t have the actual excerpts, you will get the message. Afterall, what is knowledge if not shared…

In my twisted ways, i turned it backwards/upside down on him and here’s my take on the whole ish…

“C” : Condoms

I do not use condoms. Whether for sex or as balloon decorations at children’s parties. However, if I were to choose between the two options above, I would go for the latter. Do you know why?

Because condoms do not prevent sexually transmitted diseases and any of that nonsense they tell us about. The truth is that condoms are a tool of the devil designed by him for three sole purposes:

  1. To stop mankind from enjoying raw intense sweet intrebolating passionate sex! You know the difference if you have done “without” before. If it is not Panadol, it’s not the same thing as Panadol.
  2. To kill babies. Condoms are baby jails designed to trap and kill all babies before they are conceived. You see the devil hates all babies because he never might know who the next great prophet might be. He regrets the whole of his existence beacuse he allowed baby Jesus to live and has designed the perfect baby jail to ensure that nothing like that happens again.
  3. To encourage promiscuity. Think about it boys and girls. Don’t you think that condoms actually encourage sexual misadventures? He wants you all to go to hell! Adultery is a sin—>> Exodus:20 v 14 

*Fornication is fun by the way. Fellow adults  plese don’t commit adultery, fornication is better.*

And if you are below 18 and peradventure you are still here… you cannot commit adultery nor fornication. This post is not for you. :p

Go and read your textbooks or watch MTV base or whatever the hell you guys do these days!

Listen to me. He invented all of us...

If you are under the impression that it gives you absolute protection from getting STD’s then I’ve got news for you earthlings, you are wrong!

Condom use only reduces the risk of chlamydamia by 26%, gonorrhoea/syphilis by 62% and herpes by 25 – 50%.  Condoms have 0% effectiveness in preventing the transmission of HPV. This means that there is a 60 – 70% chance on an average of you contacting these venereal diseases even when you use a condom.

(I have left out HIV AIDS because I do not believe that it is an STD) Jog on.

And what about the ORPs (Oral Sex Professionals)?

The ‘blowjob’ and cunnilingus sexperts. After sucking ‘pipe’ and licking/eating the ‘pooch’ you then proceed to wear a  condom??!! I don’t know what level of dumb you operate on.

In short, you are like this guy…

I have no brain.

Moving on…

Hypothetically, Condoms do reduce the risk of preventing pregnancies by up to 98% but the truth is that this only happens when the condom is used correctly. Believe it or not, it is not every time a condom is used that it is used correctly. Allow me to digress;

*At this point i found a dick-like piece of wood on the floor and told him to wear the condom on the stick. The mumu boy started fumbling it and eventually succeeded in wearing the condom inside out, the oily part outside*

You see what i mean?

“B”: Be faithful

Being faithful to your partner does not guarantee that you will be having safe sex. What of those people that like using dangerous equipment like chalices and handcuffs or ‘koboko’ to whip themselves? ( i believe this is called masochism) What if the koboko enters your eye?

Some sick dipshits even do bondage. They tie their necks to bed railings and their appendages to the bed masts like sacrificial offerings to Baal. In this case, no matter how faithful you are to your partner, sex can never be safe lai lai! God save the gal that will use koboko to beat me, or even as much as scratch me one kind one kind…

*Ayam angry* sips alomo to calm down.

I heard the story of one masochist that died because she overbled from a sexually inflicted wound and her partner did not have the presence of mind to observe that she had stopped breathing.

I hope scarlett Johannson is not one of them...

Also , all those dangerous sex styles such as helicopter, spiderman, batman, crouching tiger hidden dragon, hibiscus and all those kamasutra’esque’ styles are not safe sex styles. If you want to have safe sex, i recommend you just do the classic ‘mummy and daddy’a.k.a missionary or any of the regulars. You know what i mean.

I have got a friend who happens to be a radiologist and some time ago, a horny couple walked into his office. He got called out  by a nurse and the couple decided to have themselves some sex. I’m guessing they figured since they were in a hospital, the sex would be safe. The doctor stepped out for a few minutes and the randy couple decided to enter the x-ray machine to do a quickie. I don’t know how it happened, but the following pictures emanated from the whole episode…

Safe sex no? I bet they thought it was!

“A”: Abstinence:

This one is a no-brainer! If you abstain from sex how can it be safe sex again? This youth corper needs to be sent back to primary school.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as safe sex. When you use a condom you are only wasting your time and being an agent of the devil. By the statistics proferred, the condom hardly ever prevents anything anyway so stop being a waste and start skin diving.

Think about it, what is the use? Pregnancy can be prevented in more creative ways…

Safe sex is this —–>>>

Safe Sex

If  this were possible, we would have a lot of baby safes around town now, won’t we?

*Gulps alomo – Haaa! Refreshing.* Blank stare.

Bum- bum.

 Now that’s a word I heard a lot this weekend, from my loud four year old nephew to grown men/ women who happened to be having a buttock touching orgy kind of thing at the pool on Sunday.

In my house these days, screams of “Mummy, come and clean my bum-bum” pervade the air. It’s almost like an anthem since they moved back to Abuja. Yesterday he screamed for minutes about how badly he needed to visit the white room and when he finally got there, he sat on the throne, and after about five minutes

* insert anthem—-> Mummmmy*

Mummy rushes over to do the needful and finds out that sonny hadn’t dropped any poop. Talk about a chronic case of pooformance anxiety… I would’ve inserted a picture of him doing it here but his mother is sure going to kill me even though i am immortal. Me i still wanna marry and father my own litter of rug rats so, i’d gladly pass. 

 So I thought about it, what sort of word is ‘bum-bum’ anyway?

A bum is a Brit slang with uncertain origins. It literally means the buttocks or anus. (I like that word, buttocks!) However, the word is thought to be rooted in 14th centuryEngland.  No matter how hard I tried looking for the word ‘bum-bum’ it seems to me that the word doesn’t really exist in formal English circles. It’s a Nigerian thing… You know, the way we like to repeat words in this country, mago – mago, wuru – wuru, beggy – beggy, copy – copy…e.t.c. Sha sha let’s go on…

Synonyms include ass, nyansh, butt, anus, bottom, rear, behind, backside, booka, tusshy, booty, buns, honeybuns, pooper, pooper – shooter, beau-tocks, bohine, boo-tay, rootie patootie, fanny, hiney, arse and my personal favourite…GLUTEUS MAXIMUS. The only reason I like the name is because it sounds so erotically large. You know something from the Spartacus series. Imagine an enraged Quintus Lentulus Batiatus chorusing:

“Words of dislike fall from their lips like cock falls from the grip of Gluteus Maximus”

Gluteus Maximusist a.k.a Angry Quintus

 I will blog about this later… *wide grin*

The sad reality however is that Gluteus Maximus is a biological term for the largest muscle in your nyansh. See picture below (with labeling). Afterall, this is an educative blog. *straight face*

The real Gluteus Maximus

 I researched about different types of ass and came up with very explicit descriptions of different types. Let’s just say i ditched the idea after going through and i have decided against doing that post. The types of nyansh I was seeing ehnn… All I can say is that this is not a porn site and we don’t do that here.

I am a good Christian in case you haven’t noticed. So I have decided to do it in my own way, the Sushey way.

Basically, there are eight (8) types of ass. I will try to explain them in short sentences and use pictures to illustrate. Pay attention!..

 LARRY SUSHEYS ASS CLASSIFICATION (2011)

1. Normal Ass: This is the most common type of ass out there. Nothing extraordinary, two butt cheeks, a straight line down the middle and a dot right down. Other sub classes are the applebottom, teardrop, pig tail, even flat ass sef. If you think all asses are normal, wait for the rest…

 

Normal ass

2.Tight ass: Otherwise known as stingy nyansh, this type of butt rarely gives anything away. Very secretive, they specialize in silent farts and can be very unpleasant to look at. In other words, they are ugly. I can assure you that 80% of all living Nigerians have seen one at least once in their lifetime.

Notice the similarities? Told you you'd seen one before!

 
 

3. Big ass: a.k.a African ass. These asses can carry a truck load of shit. In some african countries and other parts of the third world, it is a major mode of transportation and can also serve as a source of entertainment and food. I hear that in some countries the asses are even used to gain sexual pleasure. Sub categories include Assmau, Phillipe Massa, Fat –ass, etc

Left to right, Assmau & Fat ass

4.Rich ass: There are two categories of this kind. Some of them are really uncouth and fart loudly in public places while the other group is more laid back and civil. A common denominator however is that these asses sit on a truck load of cash and can even shake mountains when they fart. Be it silent or not. These asses are NOT to be fucked with *pun intended* unless your ass is  rich too or you are willing to kiss rich ass. You CANNOT fall in genuine love with this kind of ass.

 

Rich a$$

 
 
 

5.Bitch ass: These asses are very common in the Afro – American society although they are found world over. A very common category, they blend in everywhere.

Also known as snitch asses, they are usually very loud and talk a lot of shit! *again, pun intended* but when shit hits the fan and its about to get down, they scamper like the little cowards that they are. A bitch ass might come in different colours, sizes and shapes. I even heard that Paris Hilton  and Mariah Carey have both  got white ones. Beware of them because, there always is a bitch-ass near you.

 

Two bitch asses *pun intended*

6.Kiss my ass: I just had to add this category. This kind of ass just doesn’t give a shit… This ass will ‘fucks’ with the devil without batting an eyelid. Also known as bad-ass, whenever this ass has something to say you better listen because these asses do not repeat themselves. If you didn’t hear them the first time, I suggest you ask your mummy before they axe the poor woman for you. This is another category you do not want to fucks with. Ask Samuel Peter.

I couldn't put up the real pic cos i was threatened. Notice the axe?

7.Dumb ass: As the name suggests, these asses are dumb. This means that they cannot speak. Shhh, mute, dumb. No fart sounds, no neighs, nothing. As you must have predicted, they are also not very smart and I guess that’s why they don’t talk very much. Beware of this kind. “Dumb-ass nessity” is a very infectious condition and the only known cure is via spiritual means. They are the most dangerous and can transfer sexually transmitted diseases even by close association. Yes they are that blonde daft.

??? :s

8.Smart ass: Average IQ of 200. Never fart nor talk shit unnecessarily. Highly efficient and do not occupy much space on a bench. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are small, they are just smart. Most of them do not attend social events so as not to get fucked. In extreme cases they are usually virgins which is a good thing. My uncle had a smart ass once… He said his ass was so smart whenever he went “ashitting”, the ass cleaned  itself up. This ass was too smart to allow any of it’s pictures leak online so i just put up a pic of my uncle instead. Good ol’uncle Al…

 

Uncle Albert

 

 Ok, ok, that was quite exhausting. I pray that none of you here be a bith ass/snitch ass and go tell my mother and my pastor about this post because i am currently being considered for a deaconship title at church and the  dumbass choir master thinks he deserves it more than i do. *Don’t yimu!* I’m serious.

 I leave you with this list of short codes for the various types of asses described above. I know you will  find them useful. Anytime you wanna call anyone a ‘something ass’ on BBM, twitter, yahoo chat or any other social IM site  all you need to know is type the short codes and if they are half as smart as my uncle’s ass, they will get the message. See pic below:

Short codes for different ass types

 
Once again, My name is Larry Sushey and i am IMMORTAL.  #CASHYALAYRASS!!! 😀