So my blog is titled Being Larry Sushey and so i guess i really have to tell you some real Sushey tales. A lotta absurd stories i’ve got in my head and well, let’s just hope i am able to remember them all before ya’ll kick the bucket. I remember telling you before that i am immortal so I will have already outlived you all. Remember, remember 21st of May…

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For the purpose of this blog, let’s call the subject of today’s blog Sammy.

You see, Sammy is a really tall guy, say about 6feet 5 inches. Tall, dark and handsome Idris Elba typa guy. *I see a few ladies swooning in the corner*. Sammy likes to hang out a lot too,You know a real socialite well known in theAbuja club scenes. The man really knows how to rock a party i tell you…

So it was on one fateful Wednesday like that, say some time in 2009. Summer or rainy season as we call it in the tropics. I was home alone, thursday was a public holiday so yours truly and another Sushey, Franky Sushey decided to hang out. You know, visit the regular night clubs, have a few drinks, flirt with the gurls and maybe we would get lucky.Plus, what better week day was there than on a Wednesday?

You see inAbuja, almost all the clubs/lounges have this ‘ladies night’ theme going on. You know, the ladies get a free drink before midnight or discounted drinks for everyone till a particular time, e.t.c.

I have strong reason to also believe that wednesdays is the ladies night for most clubs in other parts ofNigeria as well.

Anyway, back to my tale.

I came back from work, chilled for a bit and drove out to Franky’s. Time was about 10 p.m. Franky then told me   about how Sammy called him earlier in the day and that Sammy wouldn’t mind hanging with us that night.

I thought cool!, why not? He knows how to rock a party! Anything that will get the bannies attracted to us is cool with me.

So we got in the car and off we drove towards a popular beer parlour in Maitama. In Abuja, we call those beer parlours ‘gardens’.

Got there in no time and as i was getting out of the car, i spotted Sammy coming out the garden. He spotted a pretty nice suit and i remember thinking to my self “chai, If only i could just add a little to this my height”. We said hi, had a short convo and headed towards one of the popular clubs on Ademola Adetokunbo.

You see the Susheys are regulars at this particular club highly regarded as the best in Abuja *pops collar* and so we always have V.I.P status. This is where the story begins to get really interesting.

 I stepped out the car after both Frank and Sam had alighted and then i saw them.

The shoes.

I mean they looked like something that had been raped, battered and utterly traumatised in the Sierraleonian war and whose entirely family had been discombobulated by the Foday Sankoh forces. The last of it’s kind i tell you. Let’s call the shoes…’the last Mohican”. Undoubtedly the last of it’s kind in all the galaxies and realms of existence.

I didn’t see them at the garden but now that we were outside the well lit club, there was no escaping. This guy was going down. I put on my screen saver face and had a quick glance at Franky. He wore a smirk on his and i guess we both knew there was no way Sammy was gonna get into that club with the Mohican.

I know those bouncers. They can embarass person!!

However, we approached the bouncers. There was a crowd at the gate and maybe he was gonna slip in, but i wasn’t gonna risk such. I waka(d) far and passed the first entrance before Franky. Luckily for Frank, Sam and the Mohican stopped to say hi to one of his colleagues in the office so Franky left him there too.

 BUHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I was at the last batch of bouncers when i heard it. Frankie was directly behind me. I saw his face & I swerrugad i wan bust laff!!! It took every bit of self-controlling nerve in me to stop me from ROTFLing. The bouncer was doubled over pointing at the Indian. Talking to the other guys at entrance one, he said:

Bros, all of una fit enter, but this shoe”?! LAI LAI!!! NEVER!! Do you want me to lose my job? I mean he didn’t even mind Sammy entering as long as he went in with his socks.

Don’t forget that all this while, the idiot didn’t even look at the wearer of the shoes o! He was doubled over pointing at ‘the shoes’. Pointing at the Indian.

Me and Franky kuku enter the club and came out about 15 minutes later after a few shots of tequila and many Sammy phone calls. We decided to go to another club cos of the guy plus he said he was popular there. My expectations where immediately lowered. I knew i wasn’t gonna get some that night.

5 minutes later we were at the other place. Make i no lie, not a bad looking joint but it looked more like an harem with the amount of ashawos up in there. Na ladies night them call am not Majela night! Me i just kuku face the bar dey sip my alomo a.k.a . hennessy. When we had extrebolated all our money, we decided to head back home. Sammy wanted to carry ‘hand bag’ but i said i would NEVER carry one of those in my car.

Then he said he was hungry and requested we dropped him off in front of another club in Abuja popular because some guys cook indomie there at night. He would take a cab home from there. I did as directed and afterwards Frankie and i left for home.

That’s not the end of the story.

The next day, Frankie calls to say that he got a call from Sammy that afternoon.

Apparently, after we left him, he entered the other club to pick up a sex partner with 3000 bucks he had hidden from us. I don’t know the details but he woke up the next day at about 8: am on the bench where the indomie seller was the night before in his suit.

No phone.

No wristwatch.

No wallet.

No cash.

No shoes.

Yes someone took the Mohican. They even took his stockings sef… Now tell me, how could anybody be that *insert any word u deem fit*?

How could they have kidnapped the Last Mohican?

People harsh o…Hian!